Looking Pregnant, But Not

#InvisibleFight #MyInvisibleFight #IIWK #IIWK15 http://invisibleillnessweek.com/ What #Infertility can look like!#IF 

I faced "female problems" from my early teen years. Thirty years later, this picture was taken last week, a few days before my final hysterectomy, which will hopefully lay the consequences of a diseased reproductive system to rest once and for all!

You see, this was actually my second hysterectomy, going back to take my cervix, remaining ovary, and once again (as has been surgically required so many times over the past 20 years) clean out the mess and pain created by Endometriosis. I am 43 years old and dramatically entered menopause in full force last week.

There had been absolutely NO CHANCE of that belly hosting the life of a baby for nearly seven years since I had surgically said farewell to the body of my uterus and first ovary, yet to look at me, all bloated and inflamed, it would have been a common presumption to think I was well-along into pregnancy!

This got me thinking and reflecting on our decade of active infertility. My tummy HAS looked like this before, sometimes, at least six in fact, from the hard-fought blessing of carrying a child within! For all those stretch marks, I am rewarded far beyond anything I had ever dared hope during our infertility years, with three living children in my home today, ages 15, 12 and 9. I do not take them for granted. I so wish I could have worn a t-shirt (or neon sign on my forehead) that read something like, "Don't hate me infertile friend. This baby has been 7 years in the making!" Just because I was finally pregnant, the feelings of infertility were not magically erased! I readily still related much more with the infertile word than the fertile one!

Our living miracles' known siblings who never got to come home would be 20, a likely twin of the 15-year-old, 14, and 13. I am ever so blessed that my womb was their entire earthly home, yet they are still missed! Pregnant tummy mis-speaking about the state of my fertility once again, in each of their cases.

More strangely, my tummy has looked like this before because of the very reality of not being able to conceive! Illness and swelling such as I just pictured , from Endometriosis or other reproductive illness, but also sometimes from PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), in response to fertility drugs, and/or due ovarian hyper-stimulation! What insult, added to injury, to "look pregnant" simply because of whatever condition(s) is causing sub fertility in the first place!

So next time you see a "pregnant" woman, don't presume! Maybe she is. Maybe she isn't. Either way, there may be much more to her story than meets the eye. And to the lady I naively asked how far along you were, 20-some years ago, before I knew better, I'm still so very sorry for the tears I brought to your eyes that day. Please forgive me! - Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake (on Facebook)

Picture and article also posted at http://infertilitymom.blogspot.com/2015/09/the-tummy.html - please share!

Infertility Is...

Kristi Bother, of This Side of Heaven and Naomi's Circle, posted a fantastic article on Infertility: What It Really Is for a motherhood blog this week. Here are my memories her list stirred:

Infertility is hormones so far out of whack that your ovulation predictor test (measuring the surge in hormones that should only happen to bring about ovulation, but when chronically elevated actually prevents ovulation at all) tells you that you are “ovulating” when you are just starting your period and know it to be a medical impossibility.

Infertility is extra pounds that will not be shed, deep painful acne and intense sugar cravings.

Infertility is squirming under the teasing of friends who ask, “You guys know how this is supposed to work, right?”

Infertility is going to someone’s baby shower on Day 2 of another negative cycle and making a blubbering fool of yourself.

Infertility is taking your cat to the vet to get “fixed” the same week you are taking fertility shots to try to get your own ovaries to actually work!

Infertility is driving to the lab with your husband’s sperm sample tucked safely into your bra (gotta keep it body temperature you know) and praying you don’t get in a car accident where you will have to explain the contents to an EMT.

Infertility is being the only woman in your row who doesn’t stand for a flower at church on Mother’s Day, then having a “pity flower” gently placed in your lap during prayer because the usher saw your tears.

Infertility is attending a loved ones funeral and realizing you will never get to tell this person if you ever are blessed to have a child joining your family.

Infertility is grieving another wedding anniversary, not because it marks years of marriage, but because it is a firm reminder of how long you have been trying to conceive and/or adopt.

Infertility is celebrating months of severe morning sickness because you never thought you would get the chance!

Infertility is being 7 months pregnant and feeling like you don’t belong at your own baby shower because this world has been so foreign to you for so long.

Infertility is answering your two-year-old’s questions and confusion when he tells you he wants a baby sister and you tell him you want that too, but know it took years to have him.

Infertility is trying to help your toddler grasp that their baby who was in your tummy just yesterday now lives in Heaven and will not be coming home to us.

Infertility is when your preschooler would rather watch the adoption agency welcome video for the millionth time rather than a new episode of Blue’s Clues or Thomas the Tank.

Infertility is hearing people tell you how perfectly you “planned” and spaced your children over a six-year-window and rolling your eyes inside because you know that the three living miracles they see are totally God’s doing and not your plan at all, part of 13 sibling (biological and adoption attempts) who touched your lives over more than a decade.

Infertility is realizing that now you are the “mother with the most children” but still don’t qualify to claim the title in this Mother’s Day contest because the number in your home doesn’t match the number carried in your heart.

Infertility is getting to claim some kind of title in the contest but not wanting to take the prize because you know the whole affair is hurting someone else’s heart and there is no chance to tell your story and let her know how you got here.

Infertility is learning that I am not God.

Miscarriage Testimony

http://youtu.be/BxnQzwrF4OU

New Meaning to "Labor Day"

18 years ago, I was due to have been in labor with our firstborn on Labor Day. Really not sad at the memory now, just strange to think of how different our lives could have been. I think I would still be grieving pretty strongly, if it weren't for this event that so profoundly changed my perspective. Knowing Noel knows nothing but Glory, I am eager to meet her again some day. 

Pintrest

For saying and images that may more closely reflect your heart today, please visit my miscarriage / pregnancy loss





or infertility boards on Pinterest.

 



That Sunday Each May

An wonderful Mother's Day article , not quite like any I have read before, is found at Happy Daughter's Day by Elyse Fitzpatrick.

If you are interested in after-infertility and loss thoughts on Mother's Day, here's what on my own mind today (finishing with a link to an open letter to pastors about this Sunday).

It can be the very hardest day of the whole year.

Kinship With Tragedy

Thinking of recent tragedies, I can't help but wonder if there were any long-awaited, after-infertility children involved? Or children of parents who are already trying to live again after the loss of at least one child during pregnancy or infancy? Praying for all hurting hearts!
 
God, you know we question how you could allow such a thing, especially when longing for the very thing that was so brutally ripped from the arms of hurting parents today? We pray your comfort, peace, and ultimate glory through these tragic events! We trust that you have a good plan and can use even this evil to work good from what seems so senseless to our way of thinking! We feel kinship in loss and grief and longing. Please bring your hope out of this hopelessness! 

Thoughts from Max Lucado are linked here.

Sale!

Hannah's Hope is currently on reduced price on the NavPress website. I don't know for how long, but right now it is $8.99 rather than the $14.99 list price! https://www.navpress.com/product/9781576836545/Hannahs-Hope-Jennifer-Saake

When God Says, "No"

Read one mother's reflections on the death of premature twins, here.

Write Their Names

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I know this date is bittersweet for some of my friends in an unexpected way, a date they wish they could "celebrate" for it would mean they were Mommies, even if only to heaven-born babies. To other friends, October 15 holds mixed emotions, thankfulness that we can recognize the existence of our children, but horror that a day such as this should even need to exist.

Where ever you find yourself today, I invite you to join me in sharing your story in the comments in whatever way you feel compelled to do so. If you have children awaiting you in heaven and would like to share their names, please do so. If your children have only lived in your hopes and dreams and you would like to document your infertility journey here in some way, I welcome you to do that as well.

Today I remember:
- Noel Alexis, our Christmas Minister of Needs
- Joel Samuel, a child for whom we long desired a greatly prayed, a reminder of God's faithfulness
- Hannah Rose, named in reminder of God's grace that blooms through darkest grief
- I also remember 7 precious children who touched our hearts and carry our prayers, but who never officially joined our family through adoption as we had hoped they each would.

- And I humbly thank the Lord for bringing 3 living blessings into our home to share our lives through the storm of 13 years of praying and waiting.

What is your story? Where is your heart hurting today? Who are the children of your longing and dreams? Will you share them with me today by taking a moment to simply write their names?

Finding Answers

The woman at the well sought happiness in the arms of men.
Jesus provides peace that could be found in none other than Himself.

I sought joy in the new life of a baby.
Jesus offers New Life in Himself.

I wanted to know the feeling of carrying another soul inside my body.
He provides the Holy Spirit to indwell me...

Won't you please join me today over at Held to read the rest?

My Voice

Dare I admit that I have "voices in my head" that I "hear" when I'm reading someone's book or blog? If you also put voices to written words and would like to know what my voice actually sounds like, you can hear me today for about 40 seconds at the opening of a Focus on the Family's interview on infertility and miscarriage.
My sweet author friend Marlo Schalesky and a woman named Sarah, in training to become an infertility specialist, share the microphone at Focus on the Family today and tomorrow. Marlo, now a mom after infertility like me, and Sarah, still in the midst of the heartache of empty arms, share from their hearts and will touch you right where you are hurting.
I will be writing more about that most painful Mother's Day that I mention in the radio clip this Wednesday, both here on the Hannah's Hope book blog, and over at Held, sharing two different sides to the same story. I hope you will join me back here then.
In the meantime, feel free to jump on over to Held today and hear what Julie Donahue has to share about the first Mother's Day when she began to "feel infertile." Julie and I share a long history together through the launching of Hannah's Prayer Ministries and it's always a joy for me to read what God puts on her heart.

Is This God's Punishment?

I think it's a question we are all prone to ask when pain stretches out and relief remains far from sight. Thank you Traci, for your beautiful take on this question as your tacked another myth of infertility!

Maybe God doesn’t want you to have kids. Maybe the babies you’ve lost had something “wrong” with them {they didn’t} and that’s why God took them. Maybe God is trying to teach you something. Maybe there is sin in your life that needs to be resolved before you’ll get pregnant. Maybe you’re not good enough to be parents... Actually, I don’t recall anyone ever saying those particular words, but I think all of the above makes you feel like you’re hearing that last one...

If you have heard any accusations like these, you will be blessed by Traci's refutes of these lies!

Nine Days of Dread?

Are you already stressing over Sunday the 8th of May? Or will you simply be glad to get past that date and all the commercials and propaganda? Yes, I'm talking about another Mother's Day.

Today over on Held, Holley Gerth is sharing a fresh perspective I pray will encourage your heart:

Mother's Day comes soon. One baby in heaven and still walking the road of infertility...

A few years ago a coworker came running up to my desk with a smile on her face and excitement in her voice. "A greeting card you wrote has been nominated for an award!"

I asked what kind of card it was. Baby Congratulations.

As she walked away, I leaned back in my chair and pondered the irony. Then it seemed God's voice whispered right in the middle of my wondering…

Please visit Holley's post, Eve's Daughters, to read the rest. She even offers a bonus link to a free download for Mother's Day encouragement.

Hold On!

Held, the new blogging community of Hannah's Prayer Ministries is officially launching today. If you are facing infertility, pregnancy loss, infant death, adoption challenges, or are longing to support anyone in any of these circumstances, Held is written with you in mind. Please come subscribe to posts, follow us on Facebook or Twitter, submit your story, or simply read and be blessed.



What kind of articles would you like to see posted to a blog like this? What's your story? To what experiences and emotions can you best relate? Please share your hopes for Held and give us feedback so we can work toward making this place a blessing for you!

Saturday Shock

Another FANTASTIC article by Kristi Bothur over at Glory and Strength:

Plenty has been said about Good Friday, the day Jesus was crucified. A day of anguish and accusations, darkness and defeat. Friday was the worst, darkest day in the disciples’ lives. All of their hopes were dashed, nailed to a cross, buried in a tomb.

And Easter Sunday – we know a lot about that. Jesus alive! The grave empty! A day of joy, hope, and miracles!

But no one talks about Saturday....


My “Good Friday” was March 9, 2009, when I realized that the baby I’d carried for 18 weeks had died. In that moment, my world ended, and I was plunged into the darkest place emotionally that I had ever been. I clung to God, desperate for His comfort and peace....


When resurrection comes, it will not erase the past. Easter Sunday did not change the fact that the crucifixion, in all of its ugliness, had happened. His followers would never forget that day. And there was no getting back to normal either. They didn’t return to their former lives of following an itinerant teacher and healer around Judea. No, they went forward into their new normal characterized by God’s power and presence in a way they had never dreamed possible.

But first, you have to get through Saturday...

Read more, this week only at Glory and Strength: Stuck in Saturday

New Blogging Community

We've all heard it from childhood. The expectation of most marriages is family growth through joyful pregnancy and birth. But what happens when those dreams don't unfold as we imagined? Often we are left feeling as though we’re in a headlong free-fall away from the protective hand of God. And not only that, sometimes it seems no one else cares or understands either.



Hannah's Prayer leadership has been praying for over a year about how to expand our ministry outreach not only to women facing fertility challenges, but also to offer tools for our friends, families, churches and loved ones who long to support us but might not be sure how. We are excited to tell you that on April 25, the day after Easter, we will be launching our newest ministry outreach, Held the blogging arm of Hannah's Prayer Ministries.

While we won't be officially "open" for 10 days yet, we would love to give you a sneak peek at what we are cooking up. You can read more about the vision of Held along with information about how you can be part of the excitement.

If you have a website, blog, Facebook page or any other way of helping us spread the word, please feel free to grab the Held button and share it around. We've got some great posts already lined up and would love to have some lots of friends ready to visit when we launch on the 25th.

Grab the code!

<a href="http://hannahsprayerblog.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><img alt="Hannah'sPrayerBlog" src="http://i516.photobucket.com/albums/u321/rusrach/HeldButton2002.png"/></a>

We are beyond excited to see what God's got planned for this blog, and we hope the excitement will be contagious! Please come and join us in this unfolding journey!

P.S. There's a related Facebook page as well: http://www.facebook.com/HeldBlog

Crushed In Spirit

The recipe called for crushed rosemary, and all I had was whole. So I measured the required amount onto a plate, found a small glass with a flat bottom, and began to systematically break up and grind the dried spice into tiny little bits. As I did, I kept thinking, “This is how my heart feels.” For two years, I had been walking a road marked by illness and pregnancy loss. Two years of uncertainty, dismal diagnoses, loss, and surgery. It had broken me down, so much that I felt unrecognizable from the person I was before. The finer I crushed the spice, the more deeply it seemed to represent my crushed spirit...

Please continue this fantastic article by Kristi Bother of Naomi's Circle over at Glory and Strength. (It will only be live through the month of April.)

Pregnancy After Loss

I became pregnant with our oldest son after nearly seven years of infertility. Having already lost eight children to miscarriage or adoption losses, I knew all too well that pregnancy doesn't always mean a bring-home baby. I found myself in a moment-by-moment battle with fear. To combat these overwhelming emotions...

To read more, please visit my post, God’s Transcendent Peace, over at Glory and Strength. It will only be live for the month of April. (If you are sensitive to the mention of children, please note that our second living son is briefly mentioned in the opening of this article.)

Belated Prayers for UK Mother's Day

I just realized this morning (Sunday morning, my time) that I missed expressing my love and prayers to all my friends in the UK that find today painful with the observation of Mother's Day. Praying that the God of all Comfort will be your strength as you navigate these emotional landmines, as I know the aftermath of Mother's Day can sometimes be just as hard as the day itself.

A UK friend pointed out that yesterday was International Pillow Fighting Day. She proposed this as a much more exciting alternative to the emotional baggage of Mother's Day. It won't cure the ache in your heart, but why not grab a pillow and take out some of your frustrations?

Retreats!!!

Did you ever wish you could sit down, face-to-face, with someone who really understands this burden? Do you know anyone in real life who has walked this painful journey ahead of you? What if you could draw away to a quiet place, as Jesus Himself did often, and reconnect with God? What if you could make new, understanding, caring friends at the same time?

Well, here are two chances to do just that! First, Hannah's Prayer Ministries is excited to introduce Holley Gerth as the keynote speaker at our upcoming infertility and pregnancy/infant loss support retreat, June 24-26, 2011 in Costa Mesa, California.

Follow this button for more details (and grab the code from my sidebar to add the button to your own page too).



Or maybe you can't wait until June to connect with others? How about joining the "First-Ever Kansas City Infertility Awareness Conference" to recognize National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24 – 30, 2011). This even has been launched by an infertility and pregnancy loss support group called "Sisters of Hannah" (not directly associated with Hannah's Prayer Ministries). The conference event will on Saturday, April 30, 2011, at North Kansas City Hospital from 9:00 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. The event is FREE, however, as seating is limited, registration is required. For more information regarding this event, please email kcinfertilityawareness@hotmail.com.