Looking Pregnant, But Not

#InvisibleFight #MyInvisibleFight #IIWK #IIWK15 http://invisibleillnessweek.com/ What #Infertility can look like!#IF 

I faced "female problems" from my early teen years. Thirty years later, this picture was taken last week, a few days before my final hysterectomy, which will hopefully lay the consequences of a diseased reproductive system to rest once and for all!

You see, this was actually my second hysterectomy, going back to take my cervix, remaining ovary, and once again (as has been surgically required so many times over the past 20 years) clean out the mess and pain created by Endometriosis. I am 43 years old and dramatically entered menopause in full force last week.

There had been absolutely NO CHANCE of that belly hosting the life of a baby for nearly seven years since I had surgically said farewell to the body of my uterus and first ovary, yet to look at me, all bloated and inflamed, it would have been a common presumption to think I was well-along into pregnancy!

This got me thinking and reflecting on our decade of active infertility. My tummy HAS looked like this before, sometimes, at least six in fact, from the hard-fought blessing of carrying a child within! For all those stretch marks, I am rewarded far beyond anything I had ever dared hope during our infertility years, with three living children in my home today, ages 15, 12 and 9. I do not take them for granted. I so wish I could have worn a t-shirt (or neon sign on my forehead) that read something like, "Don't hate me infertile friend. This baby has been 7 years in the making!" Just because I was finally pregnant, the feelings of infertility were not magically erased! I readily still related much more with the infertile word than the fertile one!

Our living miracles' known siblings who never got to come home would be 20, a likely twin of the 15-year-old, 14, and 13. I am ever so blessed that my womb was their entire earthly home, yet they are still missed! Pregnant tummy mis-speaking about the state of my fertility once again, in each of their cases.

More strangely, my tummy has looked like this before because of the very reality of not being able to conceive! Illness and swelling such as I just pictured , from Endometriosis or other reproductive illness, but also sometimes from PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), in response to fertility drugs, and/or due ovarian hyper-stimulation! What insult, added to injury, to "look pregnant" simply because of whatever condition(s) is causing sub fertility in the first place!

So next time you see a "pregnant" woman, don't presume! Maybe she is. Maybe she isn't. Either way, there may be much more to her story than meets the eye. And to the lady I naively asked how far along you were, 20-some years ago, before I knew better, I'm still so very sorry for the tears I brought to your eyes that day. Please forgive me! - Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake (on Facebook)

Picture and article also posted at http://infertilitymom.blogspot.com/2015/09/the-tummy.html - please share!

Having a Hysterectomy on Nov. 15

I was told in my early 20s that I would probably need a hysterecotmy by the time I was 30. I am 36, so I've been given several years of unexpected grace in this area. I'm actually doing surprisingly well with the news that the time has finally come. I'm in so much pain and so tired from ongoing bleeding that I'm strangly looking forward to getting it done! This peace can only be attributed to God as I can remember in the early days of our infertility journey that my mom had her hysterectomy and I was so upset over hers that I couldn't even go down and help her. I couldn't imagine ever having this kind of peace over my own need for one, but here it is and God is providing such clear assurance that He is here in the midst of this.

So amazingly, while I am grieving a bit over this final loss of reproductive ability, the grief is minimal and instead I feel a profound sence of relief as God brings this chapter to a close. All I can do is praise the Lord for His overwhelming grace and peace in all of this because I know my reaction is well outside my normal human experiences.

My one long-term prayer is that this will be effective in managing my endo for the long haul. I know several women who have had hysterectomies and still deal with endo pain. My doctor says this is rare, but I seem to prove the rare cases. We are planning to let me keep one ovary at this point so that I don't have to go on hormone replacement (Since I tolerate outside hormones so poorly!) and I am praying this will turn out to be a good decision and not one that causes ongoing endo growth. If you could pray with me specifically along these lines, I would be greatful!