Kinship With Tragedy

Thinking of recent tragedies, I can't help but wonder if there were any long-awaited, after-infertility children involved? Or children of parents who are already trying to live again after the loss of at least one child during pregnancy or infancy? Praying for all hurting hearts!
 
God, you know we question how you could allow such a thing, especially when longing for the very thing that was so brutally ripped from the arms of hurting parents today? We pray your comfort, peace, and ultimate glory through these tragic events! We trust that you have a good plan and can use even this evil to work good from what seems so senseless to our way of thinking! We feel kinship in loss and grief and longing. Please bring your hope out of this hopelessness! 

Thoughts from Max Lucado are linked here.

Finding Answers

The woman at the well sought happiness in the arms of men.
Jesus provides peace that could be found in none other than Himself.

I sought joy in the new life of a baby.
Jesus offers New Life in Himself.

I wanted to know the feeling of carrying another soul inside my body.
He provides the Holy Spirit to indwell me...

Won't you please join me today over at Held to read the rest?

Wonderful Counselor

I never knew what depression felt like before this. Sure, I'd been “down,” had bad days, knew PMS could be brutal. But this deep black hole that left me unable to climb out of bed, uncaring that I hadn't attended to personal hygiene in three days, this slimy pit of numbness and despair, this was all new.

I sobbed my puffy eyes dry and my voice horse. My heart was stone-cold, robotic. If there had been enough ability to engage emotion, it should have been terrifying, but this all-encompassing grief was beyond even fear.

Where was God? It felt like I had been praying to brass heavens for a lifetime now. It had only been a year and a half since He fell silent in my life, but that could easily have been a lifetime; the lifetime of the baby I expected to be carrying by now.

Everyone who knew me knew I was upset over “the baby thing.” While I'd made others miserable around me for months, even those closest to me could see only the surface. I had been able to hide the ugliest so far.

I tried to fill the emptiness with a precious kitten who had been separated from his mother much-too-soon. It didn't even cross my mind to think myself irrational when I privately tried to devise a way to nourish this helpless creature from my own breasts that ached to fill a hungry child.

If those had been my most unsettling compulsions, maybe I wouldn't have been in such bad shape. But over recent months I'd daydreamed about driving my car into oncoming traffic, unmindful of the lives I would unwittingly involve in my destruction, uncaring for the emotional wreckage my suicide would leave in its wake.

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.
- Psalm 73:21-22 (NIV)

They called that day “Mother's Day.” I called it “Humiliate-the-Infertile-Lady-by-Making-Her-Stay-in-Her-Seat-When-Nearly-Every-Other-Female-in-the-Congregation-Stands-for-Honor Day.” It was the day I became no longer able to hide.

My dear husband had tried to soften the blow after church, taking me out to a fancy lunch then to the mall for a shopping spree we really couldn't afford. It was Wednesday now and I hadn't been out of bed, showered, brushed my teeth or hair, had hardly eaten since.

I needed serious medical care, psychological intervention. My husband and I were very young, far from family support, struggling in church and friendships, too vulnerable to understand just how critical and precarious my mental state had become.

My friend, if you find yourself reflected in anything I have described, PLEASE know there is hope! This is not a reflection of spiritual lack or failure on your part. God does not call you to do this alone. (Here are some resources!)

I should have been hospitalized. We didn't even understand that was an option. When I was without answers, God Himself stepped in as my Wonderful Counselor. Please join me today at HELD where I share how God worked in my heart that Mother's Day week of 1994. I don't share my story as a model for the proper way to deal with such crisis, but instead because the way God chose to work was so unique and I want to give Him all the glory for preforming a true miracle in my life.

I'm still in your presence, but you've taken my hand. You wisely and tenderly lead me, and then you bless me.
- Psalm 73:24 (The Message)

© Jennifer Saake, 2011

My Voice

Dare I admit that I have "voices in my head" that I "hear" when I'm reading someone's book or blog? If you also put voices to written words and would like to know what my voice actually sounds like, you can hear me today for about 40 seconds at the opening of a Focus on the Family's interview on infertility and miscarriage.
My sweet author friend Marlo Schalesky and a woman named Sarah, in training to become an infertility specialist, share the microphone at Focus on the Family today and tomorrow. Marlo, now a mom after infertility like me, and Sarah, still in the midst of the heartache of empty arms, share from their hearts and will touch you right where you are hurting.
I will be writing more about that most painful Mother's Day that I mention in the radio clip this Wednesday, both here on the Hannah's Hope book blog, and over at Held, sharing two different sides to the same story. I hope you will join me back here then.
In the meantime, feel free to jump on over to Held today and hear what Julie Donahue has to share about the first Mother's Day when she began to "feel infertile." Julie and I share a long history together through the launching of Hannah's Prayer Ministries and it's always a joy for me to read what God puts on her heart.

Saturday Shock

Another FANTASTIC article by Kristi Bothur over at Glory and Strength:

Plenty has been said about Good Friday, the day Jesus was crucified. A day of anguish and accusations, darkness and defeat. Friday was the worst, darkest day in the disciples’ lives. All of their hopes were dashed, nailed to a cross, buried in a tomb.

And Easter Sunday – we know a lot about that. Jesus alive! The grave empty! A day of joy, hope, and miracles!

But no one talks about Saturday....


My “Good Friday” was March 9, 2009, when I realized that the baby I’d carried for 18 weeks had died. In that moment, my world ended, and I was plunged into the darkest place emotionally that I had ever been. I clung to God, desperate for His comfort and peace....


When resurrection comes, it will not erase the past. Easter Sunday did not change the fact that the crucifixion, in all of its ugliness, had happened. His followers would never forget that day. And there was no getting back to normal either. They didn’t return to their former lives of following an itinerant teacher and healer around Judea. No, they went forward into their new normal characterized by God’s power and presence in a way they had never dreamed possible.

But first, you have to get through Saturday...

Read more, this week only at Glory and Strength: Stuck in Saturday

Crushed In Spirit

The recipe called for crushed rosemary, and all I had was whole. So I measured the required amount onto a plate, found a small glass with a flat bottom, and began to systematically break up and grind the dried spice into tiny little bits. As I did, I kept thinking, “This is how my heart feels.” For two years, I had been walking a road marked by illness and pregnancy loss. Two years of uncertainty, dismal diagnoses, loss, and surgery. It had broken me down, so much that I felt unrecognizable from the person I was before. The finer I crushed the spice, the more deeply it seemed to represent my crushed spirit...

Please continue this fantastic article by Kristi Bother of Naomi's Circle over at Glory and Strength. (It will only be live through the month of April.)

Baby Cry, Battle Cry

I just read an incredible devotional by Joni (paralyzed from the neck down in a diving accident as a teen in the 60s - as a result, she has never had children). She was reminiscing about her first Christmas after her accident and how she felt so abused by God that He would take everything from her like that. And she went on to talk about how He began changing her heart over that year and what her second Christmas was like. You can read the whole thing at http://www.joniandfriends.org/blog/monday-dec-20th-update-joni/ but that statement that stood out me was:

Last Sunday our pastor said, "When the angels appeared over Bethlehem, theirs wasn't a lullaby, it was a battle cry." He's right. The birth of Christ may have ended the enmity between God and man with the announcement, "Peace on earth and goodwill toward men," but our adversary, the devil, only sneered at the peace-offering in the manger that night. It only heightened his war against God and His people -- Herod's slaughter of innocent babies in Bethlehem only proved it. And 2000 years later, the war is still raging. So friend, join me on the front lines. Nothing God ever asks of you is 'unreasonable.' It's why I pray that this Christmas week, no matter what your affliction, you'll find peace, once again, in celebrating all that the Father has graciously given us in His Son, our Savior. What a glorious and generous gift!

Once again a reminder that the coming of the Child brought with it such anguish, "Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted..." and that we are in a battle, not against flesh and blood. Praying peace for your hurting heart, that the wonder of His Sacrifice will shine through the sorrow.

Grieving Christmas

One of the hardest parts of Christmas for me for years went beyond the "I want my baby" thing of watching adorable little ones dress for Christmas pageants, thinking of all we were "missing" on Christmas morning under the tree and so forth. For me the hardest part was that the very point of the holiday was focused around the expectation of birth, an infant Jesus, a pregnant and delivering Mary (and here she was a virgin and God gave her a baby when I couldn't even get pregnant with the help of doctors in the midst of a loving marriage)! :dry:

Gradually God helped me change my focus. I asked the Lord to help you be able to look past a pregnant Mary or a Baby in a manger, to remember the reason for this season is because our Father willingly became a grieving Dad to pay the price of my eternal adoption! ♥

My heart hurts for all the pain surrounding this season. How can I specifically be praying for, supporting, uplifting and encouraging you through the next few weeks? Have you found any "coping strategies" that make getting through the holidays more bearable?

Stepping Stones has recently shared a beautiful poem and encouraging letter about Christmas and Infertility at http://www.bethany.org/pdfs/SteppingStonesExtra_December2010.pdf - I pray this link will be a blessing to you today.

Are Children Replaceable?

Today I am delighted to share with you a guest post from Lori, mom to Matthew, born onto earth on November 28, 2009 (after a 10-year-infertility battle) and born into Heaven the very next day. Lori has been amazingly transparent on her blog through this grief journey and now adds to the delicate balance of learning to live after loss, the joyful/nervous anticipation of baby Luke due next January. Her recent reflections on the book of Job blessed me this week and I pray they will minister to you as well:

So, I'm just going to put it out there. I've been very, very aggravated with the story of Job since Matthew died.

And if I'm really honest, a little aggravated with God's mentality (or what I believed it to be) in the whole resolution and ending of Job's story.

Because while there are many lessons learned, pieces of wisdom and insight to be gleaned and comfort found (although I admit, still some questions!)...one thing has just really, really bothered me.

At the end...when Job's faithfulness is 'rewarded' and he is 'doubly blessed', I've been aggravated with the notion that everything he lost doubled and some new children could make it all better. More specifically, he lost seven sons and three daughters...and getting seven new sons and three new daughters was supposed to be a reward? Like those children were just replaceable with seven new sons and three new daughters?

I've often thought, "No wonder Job's wife felt like cursing God. Her babies were gone and she thought God did it." I don't believe that's the way to go about it, but I have to admit I could sure see her perspective.

So anyway...I've not been happy with the resolution of seven new sons and three new daughters. They don't replace those first children, nor could the space in Job's heart or his wife's heart be filled with 'new children'.

I had a CASA meeting tonight and was driving home. I had the radio on and it was XM station 170, Family Talk. It was some preacher, and I didn't necessarily recognize his voice. I listened mindlessly for a few minutes (long day!) and then decided I'd put some music on. So right as I was about to turn the channel, I heard the guy say something about death and the book of Job. I stopped for a second and he went on to further say that for anyone who's ever lost a loved one, and more specifically, a child, the book of Job should present problems at first. Well...I was hooked. And listened. He said that if we paid attention, all the stuff Job had in chapter one was replaced and in double the quantity by the end of Job. All but the children. I'd never actually paid attention to the number of children Job was again given, if I think about it. I just knew he'd been given more children and somehow life was good again. So, the guy goes on and says, "If you have ever lost a child, this should bother you. Children are not replaceable."

I teared up.

He then noted that we had to dig a bit deeper, though and note the significance. Job received seven more sons and 3 more daughters--NOT 14 more sons and 6 more daughters, as would fit the double blessing recipe.

Why not? Everything else was returned and he was doubly blessed. Why not the children too?

Because, just as this guy said...children are NOT replaceable. Job WAS doubly blessed with children...it's just that the first seven sons and three daughters were waiting for him in Heaven and his 'double blessing portion' of children, if you will, was there on earth with him now.

He *was* doubly blessed with children...but half were just waiting in Heaven for him.

As my Matthew waits for me.

And oh, my sweet Matthew....mommy waits for you.

I too have been doubly blessed...with one in Heaven waiting for me and one inside me kicking around for more ice cream.

There are no coincidences, friends. That random man's words were meant just for me.

Maybe for you too?

Creative Desires

"God had the desire to create new life, and he wanted to create it in His own image. If He, being perfect and complete had this desire to create, how could it be selfish or wrong? And because He created us in His image, with many of His attributes, it should come as no surprise that we share His desire to create. If we yearn to take part in the miracle of creating a new life 'in our image' with attributes like our own, and want the intimacy of nurturing our child to maturity, that is only natural. This yearning is God-given and a part of how we are created. It’s no wonder that we can feel jarred and confused when we are unable to fulfill it."

- From, The Ache for a Child, by Debra Bridwell

Depression

This week on Facebook I came across the following status update:

DEPRESSION is not a sign of weakness it is a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long. Put this as your status if you know someone who has or has had depression. Most people wont, but its mental health week and 1 in 3 of us will suffer some point in our lives. Show your support...♥

Depression is something very few people are willing to talk about, but I believe it impacts many more people than most of us realize. I can't even count the number of times, several just within the past few weeks, where woman have sat down with me and secretly shared their struggles with depression. It's a journey clouded in shame, something we worry others will look down on us for, judge us over. Sometimes we hide behind a facade of being outgoing, the life of the party. Sometimes it drives us deeper into our own shells.

For much too long the church as a whole has perpetuated the idea that depression is rooted in the sinful inability or unwillingness to allow God to bring joy to our hearts. I do believe that depression often is entangled with spiritual struggles, but often broken spirits comes as a result of the imbalanced hormones and true medical issues that trigger depression in the first place.

I hope to provide several resources for coping with depression in coming posts, but today I want to start simply by letting you know that if you are facing depression, you are not alone. And so I'll start by opening my heart and sharing my own story, beginning in 1991/92. At this time I don't believe I was living in full-time depression, but I did experience frequent, terrifying panic attacks in conjunction with hormonal imbalance triggered by the onset of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I developed a host of fears and phobias and cried frequently, but also had times that were very upbeat and joyful.

As we progressed into 1993/94, joy evaporated. I sunk into a deep, black depression in the wake of infertility grief and all the daily losses of learning to live with debilitating chronic illness. At my lowest, I seriously entertained thoughts of suicide on a regular basis. :( God used my husband, Scriptures and the book The Ache for a Child by Debra Bridwell to begin my healing.

In hindsight I would highly encourage anyone who is where I was then to immediately seek medical and emotional aid though frank conversation with a competent physician and solid, Christ-centered counseling. It is truly a testament of God's grace that when I did not know enough about depression to understand how desperately I needed that help, that God, Himself the Great Physician and Wonderful Counselor, stepped in and brought about the miraculous healing I needed. Hannah's Prayer Ministries was born as a result of this season when God brought me up out of the pit, out of the Valley of the Shadow of Death and set my feet on a firm place to stand beside the quiet waters.

After our first miscarriage (Dec. 94) I had a different depressive episode lasting about 5 months. This time I was simply was void of feeling. Unlike the utter lost-ness, despair and hopelessness of the prior depression, this new grief-based depression over the death of our first daughter left me unable to laugh, cry, smile, be angry or "feel" anything - I simply was numb month after month. My breakthrough and healing here began with the final admission to myself that we had indeed been blessed with parenthood, even if only for a short season on this earth. To actually hear myself say, "I had a miscarriage," a statement that brought about days of gut-wrenching and unstoppable torrent of tears, was a huge milestone. Choosing a name of our daughter, thus "giving her an identity" I could relate to, was another step in overcoming this round of depression and beginning to work through healthy stages of grief.

Noel would be nearly 15 now and I still miss her, grief being a life-long journey. But my depression in the wake of her death was more than just a "stage of grief" and would be medically classified as postpartum depression (PPD), though I had no bring-home baby at the end. I still do not fully understand why, of all our 10 very painful losses, it was only Noel's death that triggered a full depressive experience like this, though I think some issues like our infertility, the fact that she was my first and (at that time) only child, and other life circumstances may have all been contributing factors.

Over the years depression has visited me in milder and shorter seasons, off and on, at various times, often linked to hormonal changes or health complications. My latest real journey through depression came with the conception and birth of our daughter who is now 7. (She is our second our of 3 living miracles.) This time ANGER best defined my experience of peri/post-partum depression. There were many elements that set the stage for this struggle, including secondary infertility, 2 miscarriages a year prior to her conception, a major surgery just a couple months before her conception, significant hormonal imbalance, having to stop our planned adoption due to pregnancy, high risk pregnancy with ongoing perterm labor scares and 13 weeks of bedrest, and out-of-control migraines during her first year or so of life.

It wasn't until after her 2nd birthday that I began to truly feel a connection with this sweet little girl I had prayed and longer for my entire life. I wasn't until after the birth of her little brother the week of her 3rd birthday, when I experienced the normal joys of new motherhood again, that I fully began to grasp and appreciate all I had missed out on, emotionally, over the prior three years. I was a functional mom while dealing with depression, falling into the mild to moderate spectrum of PPD this time, but it was an ugly journey non-the-less. My heart aches for several friends who have experienced postpartum (or any other kind of) depression at deeper levels, including several who have been hospitalized for their own protection (as I likely could have been in the early 90s).

If you or someone you love is walking through the valley of depression, please know you are not alone! Depression is not a sign of spiritual lack or weakness and it is a battle that can be won. Keep watching this blog for future posts spotlighting depression and offering helpful resources. And since the Bible has been my Light through my darkest days of depression (though I have to admit to actually throwing God's Holy Word across the room in my anguish a time or two) I would love to invite you to share the Scriptures that have most blessed and encouraged you in the comments section below.

Anna's story

As we prepare our hearts for the celebration of the birthday of our Lord, with all the focus on a pregnant young woman and a tiny newborn Baby, may our Risen Lord comfort each hurting heart and allow us true joy in the wonder of God-become-man for our redemption. Christmas, while yes about a Baby, is also about a Father's first step toward heartbreak at the death of His only Son, all because He understands the longing to grow His family - the death of His Son was the cost of my adoption as His daughter.

The following is copyrighted material and has been adapted from "Pray, Faith, and Compassion," chapter eleven of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, & Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, NavPress, 2005. Please do not duplicate without permission.


The rumors circulated about how Anna had been barren for the seven years her husband lived (see Luke 2:22-38). Others speculated about children that she might have buried along-side her beloved groom. Whatever her true story, they all shook their heads at the shame of her lonely state, without any living male relative to care for her in her advancing years.

Anna commented little on the gossip of the crowd, striving to live gracefully, not giving in to the anger and bitterness that could so easily have ruled her heart. Yes, a lifetime later, she still missed the man who was to have been her life-partner, provider, and protector. While her womb had dried up long ago, some days her arms still longed to be filled by the weight of an infant.

Like Hannah had nearly 1,000 years earlier, Anna took her heartache to the temple. As the years passed by, Anna devoted more and more of her time to prayer and fasting. The life she had envisioned for herself was replaced with a lifestyle of ongoing worship. Those who had once pitied Anna, now sought out the prophetess for her wisdom.

Over the past 400 years since He had last added to His written Word, it sometimes seemed as if God had forgotten His promise to redeem Israel. But Anna's heart was stirred by strange things happening in recent months - Zachariah struck mute while performing his highest yearly duty, Elizabeth a mother in her old age, that young girl from Nazareth the center of scandal as she claimed to be a virgin, yet with child.

This day seemed to Anna like every other, until Simeon (who seemed to be at the temple almost as often as Anna) rushed to the young couple and took in his arms the infant they had brought for circumcision. At that moment Anna realized that all the heartache of her lifetime had been worth this one moment she now witnessed. Had it not been for her life taking so many seemingly "wrong" turns, she would not be in this right place at this perfect time. As the weight of this tiny One filled the ache of her arms, the last remnants of grief were erased from her heart as well. What joy that, as a direct result of years of grief and loneliness, she was now privileged to proclaim the Consolation of Israel!

The Sacrifice of Thanksgiving

© Copyright 1997, Jennifer Saake
Reprinted from the Fall 1997 issue of "Hannah to Hannah" (print newsletter published 1995-1999 by Hannah's Prayer Ministires)
All Scripture taken from the New International Version (NIV), emphasis added


“We bring the sacrifice of praise into the house of the Lord. And we offer up to You the sacrifices of thanksgiving…”

How often do we take the time to truly think about the words we sing in church each Sunday? What are sacrifices of thanksgiving and praise? “Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise – the fruit of lips that confess his name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is please” (Hebrews 13:15-16).

We see “sacrifice” used throughout the Old Testament. God said that without the shedding of blood there could be no removal of sin, so animal sacrifice was ordained from the day sin entered the world through Adam, and was to continue until the day that God the Father experienced the grief of watching His own Son Jesus, the “Second Adam,” die in our places to clean our guilt and make a way for us to be adopted into His Heavenly family.

“I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving. This will please the LORD more than an ox, more than a bull with its horns and hoofs” (Psalm 69:30-31). Webster’s dictionary includes several definitions of “sacrifice,” many along the lines of bloodshed on an altar, but here are some alternate definitions that I think are more applicable to the idea of offering sacrifices of praise and thanksgiving. “An act of offering to a deity something precious” or the “surrender of something for the sake of something else.”

We are introduced to Hannah in the context of her family’s journey to the temple to offer a yearly sacrifice (1 Samuel 1:3). Hannah was abiding by the law of the land in making the blood sacrifice demanded of her, but her heart was willing to sacrifice more. “In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. And she made a vow saying, ‘O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life…’” (1 Sam. 1:10-11).

That was some sacrifice! No, Hannah didn’t offer false thanksgiving by denying her pain or trying to pretend to God that everything was fine, but in the same breath that she asked Him to grant her heart’s desire, she turned around and promised that the child would belong to God for his entire life. What an act of reverence for the God who created her and held the power to breathe life into her empty womb!

We see that from this point on, even before God allowed her to conceive, that Hannah worshipped the Lord (1 Sam. 1:19). That change from a bitter soul to an attitude of praise, was the willingness to sacrifice her will to God. The words of Jonah reflect what Hannah probably felt: “But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. Salvation comes from the LORD” (Jonah 2:9).

-----

Let’s take a look at another family in the Bible – the first family that ever existed. Adam and Eve’s first two sons were named Cain and Able. Because sin had already entered the world before these sons were born, they grew up under the sacrificial system and worshipped the Lord from the time they were tiny. Cain and Able both knew God’s rules by heart. God was worthy of their obedience, respect, and honor, if for no other reason than simply because His is God! “For great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; He is to be feared above all gods” (1 Chronicles 16:25).

The problem came as they grew up and started their own careers. Able raised sheep while Cain pursued farming – both professions were honorable. These men knew that God required blood atonement in repentance for sin. While Able could readily offer the sacrifices God required by giving from his own flock, Cain had to exchange his produce to buy lambs foe each sacrifice. (Kind of gives new meaning to the figure of speech, “You can’t squeeze blood out of a turnip!”)

At some point Cain tired of the system God set up. I don’t know if he just didn’t like the hassle of selling crops and buying sheep each day, or if his pride got in the way and decided that since Able could offer the product he produced in shepherding, the he should be able to offer the work of his own hands as well. Whatever the reason, Cain decided to bring a sacrifice of his produce rather than offer a blood sacrifice to the Lord (Genesis 4:1-5). When his offering displeased the Lord, Cain pouted. God gave him a second chance to make his attitude and actions right, saying, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must mater it” (Gen. 4:6-7).

Unlike Hannah’s story of obedience and willingness to sacrificially offer her one true desire to the Lord, Cain’s story took a tragic turn when he hardened his heart in rebellion. In the end, Cain murdered Able out of jealousy, and Eve, the world’s first mother, lost two sons in one day – one to death, and one to banishment by the Lord!

God’s displeasure with Cain had nothing to do with a preference of meat over fruit. It had everything to do with Cain’s heart attitude and unwillingness to submit to God’s perfect plan. When Hannah did have a son, Samuel put it well: “Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams” (1 Sam 15:22).

I’m afraid I often tend to be much more like Cain than Hannah. I don’t like to bend when God calls me to something outside my comfort zone. While we live in an age of grace and are no longer bound by the Old Testament code of blood sacrifice, God still desires my heart to be soft to him and offer praise and thanksgiving even when it hurts – no, especially when it hurts – for this is where the sacrifice begins. “O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. You do not delight in sacrifices, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise” (Psalm 51:15-17).

We are instructed, in view of God’s mercy, to offer our “bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God” and this is seen as an act of worship. How can we do this? “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:1-2).

Even when we allow God to renew us, at times it is still hard to understand His perfect will for us in light of fertility challenges. “To do what’s right and just is more acceptable to the LORD than sacrifice” (Proverbs 21:3). God told Cain that he must “Do what is right,” but how can I know what is right for me in fertility or in Noel’s death? I often felt, especially in the earlier days of our struggle, that the withholding of children was a sign that, like Cain, God was not looking on us with favor. I have struggled with anger towards God, and my face has definitely been downcast! I cannot go exchange my fruit for flock to make an acceptable burnt offering, so what can I do?

I have finally realized that doing what is right in infertility is simply allowing God to make the rules! He is asking me to make a change in the sacrifice I am willing to bring, and it is up to me if I will trade my bitterness for praise as Hannah did, or if I will use my pain to feed a jealous rage like Cain. I want to offer myself to God as a great parent, to raise the children He gives us, and train them to follow after Him. My desire is a good one. There is nothing wrong with this desire, just as there was nothing wrong with Cain choosing to farm the land. In fact, my desire is God-given!

But perhaps one thing I have in common with Cain is pride. After all, God had apparently always showered Cain with blessings in the past, as He has me, so it is easy to expect Him to continue His blessings on my terms, without waiting to see what His will or His master plan will be. “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river…” (Isaiah 48:17b-18a).

For Cain it would have been as simple as letting go of his pride and continuing to buy his sheep from his brother, as an act of obedience to God. For me it is letting God teach me to surrender my plans to His will. He knows that I still desire to raise a family. But I am learning to exchange the sacrifice I want to give for the One He asks me to offer, in obedience to His perfect will for my life.

He does not want just my parenting skills, but He wants all of me! “To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding, with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices” (Mark 12:33). I am learning, slowly, but learning none the less, that to give my whole self- body, mind, heart, spirit, soul, wants, dreams, desires, goals – over to Him, is the only acceptable sacrifice in His sight. “For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgement of God rather than burnt offerings” (Hosea 6:6).

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil 4:6-7). When we pray in an attitude of true thanksgiving, being honest with God about our pain, yet making the effort to sacrifice our attitudes to Him, we are rewarded with a peace that defies earthly reason. “I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone – kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth” (1 Tim. 2:1-4).


Scripture seems clear that praise and thanksgiving bring about peace in the midst of pain and heartache. Not easy, but certainly a worthwhile sacrifice!


“Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed” (Psalm 103:2-6).

Harvesting Hope from Heartache

On the Proverbs 31 Ministires blog (heads-up, the author is a mother of 5, 2 through adoption, so there will be occasional references to motherhood but not the theme of this post) there is a writing challenge this week. God pulled me from bed 2 hours early this morning, prompting me to write my article for this contest. But when I took a quick visit to the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums (message boards) before coming here, He quickly made it clear that what I had planned to write was not what He wanted me to say this morning. She I'm tossing my notes aside and giving a heart answer to a grieving friend instead.

After sharing of the deaths of two grandmothers and her unborn (six-years-awaited) child all within a two month time span, she writes:
"How do I trust Him and what am I trusting? I want to trust that this will never happen again and I know that isn't possible. I have been such a faithful Christian, I go to church every week, I [serve om multiple] ministries, what else do I need to do to be blessed with biologically carrying a child?
"I just don't understand and I am so confused right now. I am scared of how mad at God I am!"

Precious Friend, my heart hurts for all the trials you have endured. I'm sure you have heard that grief has stages. You are facing two very distinct kinds of grief right now - the profound and specific losses of three precious to you (all in a very compact timeframe), and the ongoing, less definable but every bit as real, ongoing grief of loss upon loss, month upon month, hope upon hope, dream upon dream. Anger is one very valid stage of grief, as is "bargaining" (as reflected by your questions above).

I struggled with these same questions. Not just struggled, but wrestled and fought under their weight as you do! In the end God reminded me that just as I cannot earn His grace, a child is also a gift, not a right, and that He alone is the giver of good gifts. He gives them to whom He chooses, in the timing that He deems most perfect. He does not give according to "merit" for all my works are still broken offerings and worthless rags. He gives according to His goodness and best plan.

As much as I long to give you a "formula" I can only speak from having survived those depths where you now find yourself and encourage you to remember that you cannot earn a baby. The Psalm "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." had me convinced otherwise for a time, that if I could just show God how much I was doing for His service, that surly He would honor that. And then one day, in as close to any "audible voice from God" experience I've ever know, He impressed so clearly on my heart that I had the totally wrong idea of what it meant to "delight" in Him with, "My child, you cannot treat me according to the gifts I choose to give or to withhold. I am Worthy of your praise, with or without a baby!" It was then that I realized that a baby had become an idol to me, taking my focus and God's rightful place of longing in my heart.

This realization wasn't an immediate fix, didn't make me "all better" over night, and certainly didn't instantly cause my womb to become fertile. But it was a significant turning point in my heart, the start on a pathway toward healing and freedom from anger's bitter grasp, the first glimmer of hope that there truly was light on the other side of that deep, dark, senseless valley of grief.

As for anger, I know that the anger itself can be a fearful thing. May I encourage you that your anger does not take God by surprise and that He is big enough to handle it? Death makes Him angry too. This fallen world is not as He designed it and death is an evil, vile thief. If we believe that God has the power to prevent such evil and yet chooses not to take action, why wouldn't we be angry with him? What God wants from you the most right now is your honesty, with yourself and with Him. Let Him know exactly how angry you are, why you are angry, how you feel betrayed... Hold nothing back. Yell it out to Him if you need to. Start a journal and get it all out there in black and white.

And then, once you have laid yourself bare before Him, ask Him to take all that brokenness, bitterness, disappointment, grief, and more, and replace it with heart healing and peace. He is the author of hope and we are promised that when our hope is in Him (not elsewhere, like in a baby) that He does not disappoint. I am not saying this to crush your dreams that God may yet have motherhood in His plans for you. In fact, it is my earnest prayer that He does, and from a human standpoint I pray that this answer to prayer comes much sooner than later. I am simply saying that when we get to this stage of grief, our needs are far bigger than simply that of conception. While there is nothing you can do to "earn" a baby (and you will only make yourself more miserable in the attempt), please allow God to start bringing Life in a new way as He is the only one who can meet this terrible heartache.

{{{Hugs!}}}
Jenni

Bitterness of Soul

On the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums I am posting monthly devotionals based on various chapters of Hannah's Hope. Here's the 9th in this series.

The following is copyrighted material and has been adapted from "Bitterness of Soul" chapter nine of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, & Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, NavPress, 2005. Please do not duplicate without permission. You may read a portion of this book here.
--------------------------

In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. - 1 Samuel1:10 (NIV)

Therefore I will not keep silent;
I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit,
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.- Job 7:11 (NIV)


Naomi knew the pain of a bitter heart. She lost her husband and both sons in a foreign country. When she returned home her soul was so wounded that when friends called her Naomi, a name that means "pleasant," she replied, "Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty" (Ruth 1:20-21). Literally translated, the Hebrew word mara means "bitter." The idea behind this word is marrow, or the core substance of something; thus Naomi's bitterness penetrated through the very depths of her being.

Mara is quite similar to the word used to describe the bitterness Hannah faced as she went before God after years of pain and longing for a child. Hannah's bitterness, marah, also indicates great heaviness, disconnection, and chafing.

Bitterness is described in Hebrews as a root that defiles the soul, causing us to miss the grace of God. Nothing chokes out peace faster. Intense marah was deeply rooted within my heart for a long time. I felt raw, weighed down, constantly rubbed in the wrong direction. I was disconnected from God, my husband, my friends, and even myself.

I felt totally neglected and abandoned. I wondered how I could trust a God who would be so unloving as to give me such a strong desire to reproduce then not enable me to accomplish the task. All the waiting, disappointment, frustration, faith, hope, prayer, begging, pleasing, doctor's visits and medication seemed futile. God seemed so very far away.

Finally I had it out with God in a yelling, stomping, fist-shaking, tearful fit unlike any I had ever dared before. I had never dared admit to Him, nor to myself, just how really angry I was. But He had known the true nature of my heart all along. I couldn't shock or surprise Him with my temper tantrum. He was big enough to handle all my rage. By fully confronting Him, I admitted to both of us exactly how I perceived our relationship. But to my surprise, rather than driving Him further away, He drew me close!

Honesty unlocked the rusty gate to the wall I had built around my heart. It was an amazing breakthrough for me to understand that even if my prayers are only yelled at God in total disillusionment, I must keep taking my pain to God. He cannot help me when I lock Him out, hide or run away. I am free to weep with Hannah, as long as that weeping was done before the Lord.

The truth is, even when He seems silent to my cries, He is listening and does care, grieving deeply with me in my loneliness. Not only does He care, but He relates with personal understanding. Remember Jesus' cry from the cross, "My God, why have you forsaken me"?

While I demanded the joy of motherhood, I never stopped to consider how it would break my heart to be rejected by my child in the way I was treating the Lord. By grace, just as I could never stop loving a prodigal, God's persistent love never abandoned me either.

But neither did His love trespass where uninvited. In order for fellowship to be restored, I had to ask Him to knock down walls and weed my heart. Jesus declares, "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful" (John 15:1-2). Pruning often seems more painful than letting bitterness remain rooted, but God is the master Gardener who desires to see us bloom. By drinking deeply of Living Water, even when I don't feel like it, the soil of my heart will slowly soften, allowing weeds to less painfully release their hold.