October 15

That Sunday Each May

An wonderful Mother's Day article , not quite like any I have read before, is found at Happy Daughter's Day by Elyse Fitzpatrick.

If you are interested in after-infertility and loss thoughts on Mother's Day, here's what on my own mind today (finishing with a link to an open letter to pastors about this Sunday).

It can be the very hardest day of the whole year.

Write Their Names

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I know this date is bittersweet for some of my friends in an unexpected way, a date they wish they could "celebrate" for it would mean they were Mommies, even if only to heaven-born babies. To other friends, October 15 holds mixed emotions, thankfulness that we can recognize the existence of our children, but horror that a day such as this should even need to exist.

Where ever you find yourself today, I invite you to join me in sharing your story in the comments in whatever way you feel compelled to do so. If you have children awaiting you in heaven and would like to share their names, please do so. If your children have only lived in your hopes and dreams and you would like to document your infertility journey here in some way, I welcome you to do that as well.

Today I remember:
- Noel Alexis, our Christmas Minister of Needs
- Joel Samuel, a child for whom we long desired a greatly prayed, a reminder of God's faithfulness
- Hannah Rose, named in reminder of God's grace that blooms through darkest grief
- I also remember 7 precious children who touched our hearts and carry our prayers, but who never officially joined our family through adoption as we had hoped they each would.

- And I humbly thank the Lord for bringing 3 living blessings into our home to share our lives through the storm of 13 years of praying and waiting.

What is your story? Where is your heart hurting today? Who are the children of your longing and dreams? Will you share them with me today by taking a moment to simply write their names?

Infertility and Illness

Some of you may know that I have lived with chronic illness my entire adult life. As we battled for 13 years to bring home our three living miracles, with multiple miscarriages and adoption losses along the way, the issues of chronic illness and infertility were often intertwined with each issue complicating the other on multiple levels: physically, medically, emotionally, spiritually, and just about any other "ally" you can imagine.

Because of this intensely personal heartache, I have a very special place in my heart for anyone grieving to grow your family while living with chronic illness. Lisa Copen, my dear friend and founder of Rest Ministries, offers some beautiful thoughts on living with chronic illness and facing infertility:
How Do I Know if God Has Motherhood In My Future?

I also provide resources for living with chronic pain or illness at Given Me or Thorn. You may prefer to start with my infertility and loss story there.

Is This God's Punishment?

I think it's a question we are all prone to ask when pain stretches out and relief remains far from sight. Thank you Traci, for your beautiful take on this question as your tacked another myth of infertility!

Maybe God doesn’t want you to have kids. Maybe the babies you’ve lost had something “wrong” with them {they didn’t} and that’s why God took them. Maybe God is trying to teach you something. Maybe there is sin in your life that needs to be resolved before you’ll get pregnant. Maybe you’re not good enough to be parents... Actually, I don’t recall anyone ever saying those particular words, but I think all of the above makes you feel like you’re hearing that last one...

If you have heard any accusations like these, you will be blessed by Traci's refutes of these lies!

Adoption & Pregnancy

Another great "Bust a Myth" post this week is Adopt and You Probably Still Won't Get Pregnant

Only 5-10% of parents who adopt due to infertility go on to conceive and bear children...

If we had conceived when we desperately wanted to, we would not have BB as our son. If we had conceived when we desperately tried to, BB would not have us as his parents. God knew the plans He had for us and for our firstborn son.

God also planned for LB, born one year and four days after our first, to be his little brother. He needed our DNA to make LB. He needed another man and woman's DNA to make BB. BB was not means to an end to get LB - they were both meant for us.

Life As Two

It's National Infertility Awareness Week. Have you been exploring any of the amazing blog posts going live out there in the big wide world of cyberspace to mark this event? Here's a great one on hanging onto hope when God calls your family to contentment in a life as two.

Turns out the 'we're-living-a-child-free-life' announcement is not one that most know how to deal with. I should have anticipated that, of course. What I hadn't anticipated, however, was the assumption that we were giving up. Many assumed that hope was lost... the we were beaten past our resistance point and were waving the white flag of surrender and defeat...

Retreats!!!

Did you ever wish you could sit down, face-to-face, with someone who really understands this burden? Do you know anyone in real life who has walked this painful journey ahead of you? What if you could draw away to a quiet place, as Jesus Himself did often, and reconnect with God? What if you could make new, understanding, caring friends at the same time?

Well, here are two chances to do just that! First, Hannah's Prayer Ministries is excited to introduce Holley Gerth as the keynote speaker at our upcoming infertility and pregnancy/infant loss support retreat, June 24-26, 2011 in Costa Mesa, California.

Follow this button for more details (and grab the code from my sidebar to add the button to your own page too).



Or maybe you can't wait until June to connect with others? How about joining the "First-Ever Kansas City Infertility Awareness Conference" to recognize National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24 – 30, 2011). This even has been launched by an infertility and pregnancy loss support group called "Sisters of Hannah" (not directly associated with Hannah's Prayer Ministries). The conference event will on Saturday, April 30, 2011, at North Kansas City Hospital from 9:00 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. The event is FREE, however, as seating is limited, registration is required. For more information regarding this event, please email kcinfertilityawareness@hotmail.com.

National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month! Download your free copy of the 2010 National Adoption Month Calendar: 30 Ways to Celebrate Adoption at http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/printable/2010calendar.html or view directly online at http://www.adoption.com/national-adoption-awareness-month-2010/.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day (Book Give Away!)

In recognition of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, I would like to give away my (gently used) copy of Kristie Verret's new book Unforgotten Children: A Testimony of God's Healing through Miscarriage. I just finished reading this copy a week or two ago. It is a personal story of growth and reflection through loss. My favorite quote from the book is:

Each hardship left a gaping hole in my heart. Those holes HAD to be filled, whether I liked it or not. But if I didn't choose to fill them with God and His truth, then satan would begin to automatically fill them with lies leading to my feeling of separation from God.

For a chance to win, please leave a comment here, along with a valid email address or other contact information so I can get your mailing address from you if you win. If you have a child awaiting you in Heaven, I would love to hear your baby's name and anything else you want to share about him/her. {hug} The contest will remain open through the month of October, and a winner will be selected in early November. Please feel free to post this link or pass it on to others who might be in need of the encouragement of this book. (Leave me an additional comment for every way you pass along the link - emails to friends, facebook, twitter, post to your own blog, etc. - and receive an additional entry for each time you help spread the word!)




Remembering with love, Noel Alexis, Joel Samuel and Hannah Rose. Eagerly awaiting our reunion in Heaven!

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awarness Month

The month of October has traditionally been set aside as a time of awareness and remembrance for children who have died during pregnancy or early infancy. In just over two weeks there will be a specific day, Oct. 15, where state governors will issue official proclamations, public observances will take place, and individual grieving hearts will quietly light candle to celebrate the much-to-quickly-passing of the earthly lives of our children. To look for information on local observances or to find out more about National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day please visit october15th.com

Day of Hope

Have you ever seen those beautiful photos of a baby's name written in sand? Did they sting your heart as you looked to your own empty arms? Did you realize they were in honor and remembrance of precious babies who left the wombs or arms of their mothers much too soon?

If you or a loved one has suffered the death of a baby at any time from conception through infancy, Aug. 19 is an anual day set aside to stop and remember with love. Feel free to visit august19thdayofhope.blogspot.com to grab your own free memorial butterfly photo like this one I'm posting in memory of Noel Alexis (age 15), Joel Samuel (age 9) and Hannah Rose (age 8) along side many other Mommies honoring their sweet children in Heaven today.

 Praying for every heart aching over the death of your baby, asking our Father, who holds our children in His arms, to hold our hearts just as closely.
(Also remembering my days of "envying" even mothers through loss because the sting of infertility, of not being anyone's Mom, even to a child awaiting me in Heaven, hurt so deeply. If this is where you find yourself, grieving without a specific child to grieve, I'm praying for you today as well!)

Embryo Adoption

When we started our infertility journey, "embryo adoption" was not even a concept explored by the medical or ethical communities yet. I still remember the phone call from a friend asking if we would consider adopting the sweet children they could not carry, created through IVF. Shortly after that phone call we watched Snowflakes develop, then Focus on the Family start talking about the plight of "unused" and sadly even sometimes "unwanted" extra embryos created through the IVF process. Eventually more and more agencies and organizations provided structured resources for those desiring to adopt frozen embryos.

One area that has been sadly lacking all these years is support for the genetic families who make the brave choice for life and offer the gift of hope to longing families through the loving (and often grievously painful) choice of relinquishment. I've known several families on both side of the embryo adoption equation and for the most part, placing families have quietly kept their emotional journeys to themselves as the spotlight has fallen on adopting families. How my heart has ached for families living this choice and yet I have had so few resources to suggest.

Today I am thrilled to introduce you to Placing Parents, a blog designed by a Placing Parent named Sheila, designed specifically to offer support to parents considering placing their embryos for adoption/donation. If you are already through your IVF journey and feeling the burden of love and responsibility for remaining embryos whom you cannot go back for another pregnancy attempt, you are no longer alone in the questions and highs and lows of considering an adoptive family for your unborn offspring.

Letter to Pastors for Mother's Day

Dear Pastor,

Infertility is a medically recognized disease that affects men and women equally. It is defined as the inability to conceive or retain a pregnancy during a one-year period (6 months for a woman 35 years of age and older). According to the CDC, there were 7.3 million people diagnosed as infertile in 2002. That number represents one in eight couples of childbearing age, some of whom sit in your congregation each Sunday. This number shows a 20% increase since the last count of 6.1 million in 1995. In addition, every year in the United States there are approximately 2 million women who experience pregnancy loss, ranging from miscarriage to stillbirth and infant death. Infertility and loss is often such a private matter and not openly shared; it can often be a cause of a crisis of faith. The desire to reach what many label, “God’s highest calling” – a mother and father - can be a strong one.

This letter is sent to you as a reminder of the upcoming Mother's Day and Father's Day services- special days that celebrate family. It is a definite time for rejoicing and honor, but at the same time can bring about moments of anguish for those enduring the road of infertility or loss. We’d like to ask that you please remember in your sermons and prayers those who have lost mothers and fathers, mothers and fathers who have lost children, mothers and fathers and children who are estranged from each other, and men and women who are unable to be mothers and fathers. It will not only comfort them; it will remind the moms and dads in your congregation who have been blessed that their children truly are wonderful gifts from the Lord.

Thank you for your consideration.

Warmly,

Hannah’s Prayer Ministries
www.hannah.org

Fears of Infertility

After so many years of "IF" (infertility), my heart will never be far from the journey nor from those still walking this heartache. Recently a member of the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums posted her thoughts and fears in the early steps of realizing she was no longer just trying to conceive, but now living the realities of infertility. I will not comment further, but rather let her post speak for itself...

Since introducing myself and lurking around here a while, I've finally come to the point that I can identify what I'm feeling, and right now it's fear. I KNOW that we are to be anxious about nothing, but all of this seems so new and terrible to me that I don't really know how not to be afraid of it without ignoring what I'm fearful of, and I know that's not the answer either. I'm hoping some of you wise women will have some wisdom to share, although to be honest I'm hoping I'll magically end up with a BFP ["Big Fat Positive" pregnancy test] this month and not have to worry about it anymore. But here goes.

I'm afraid I'll be "sick." - I've always been healthy and I'm afraid of finding out that I'm really afflicted with something and spend the rest of my life seeing doctors, trying different meds, and having surgeries. I'm a nurse- I've seen this life, I've never wanted it. I'm afraid that this not-conceiving thing is just a symptom of whatever is medically wrong with me.

I'm afraid of losing my ability to love children. - All my life all I've done is work with kids. In church, at my job, in social gatherings. I gravitate towards them naturally. I'm afraid of not being able to enjoy them any more, and of losing that part of my identity, the one that's "good with kids."

I'm afraid of financial strain. - I know that we'd like to adopt, but I'd also like to start that process as soon as possible instead of using all of our resources on fertility treatments first and then having nothing left over to adopt with. This isn't really high on my list of fears, but I find myself researching adoption options already when we haven't even been to see the doctor yet. DH won't even discuss a "what if" until we've tried for "a while longer" (how long is 'a while' again?)

I'm afraid of depression. - Self-explanatory. Both my parents struggled with depression, and the pain is so overwhelming sometimes that I wonder if I'm not slipping towards it too. I really don't think so right now, but can I take years of this?

I'm afraid of being outcast. - Having to explain my status to every new person I meet. Right now it's not too hard, we've "only" been married for 2 years, after all, and I look several years younger than I am. But this can't last much longer. I'm a pretty private person (read: pronounced introvert), and I hate being known by my 'status.' It can be hard enough for me to make friends sometimes anyway. I don't want a stigma over my head too.

I'm afraid of no babies. - Obviously! But really, I always wanted 6 kids at least. Can I really handle none?

I'm afraid of a spiritual reason for IF. - Sometimes, I know God doesn't allow "good things" because of something else we'll deal with in our lives. What if I can't have kids because I'm going to die of cancer next year and God didn't want to leave my husband alone and with an orphan? I know that's far fetched, but maybe you'll understand. If I can't have kids because of something coming that would be terrible for children, I don't know if I want to go through that either.

*sigh.* That might be it. We have an appointment with my gyn soon. Hopefully we can get most of my blood work paid for by using the "irregular cycles" and "painful menstruation" card since IF labs aren't covered. Anybody know how much a SA runs?

But, to be positive too:

I'm grateful for my DH [Dear Husband] - He is kind, understanding, and (almost) totally on the same page as I am. He holds me when I'm sad and tells me we're just going to take it 1 step at a time. And he's not scared of "putting sperm in a cup" as he calls it!

I'm grateful that I've been through pain in the past - Because I have some idea how to handle rough emotions. Not the same, but helpful nonetheless

I'm grateful that we had 1 year of of marriage footloose and fancy-free before baby-making started to hang over our heads. I'd hate to have started my marriage with months of disappointment.

I'm grateful, of course, for God's grace - And try to remember to pray for the sons he wants to bring into His kingdom when I feel the pain of not having any in my life yet. I'm grateful His heart for the world hurts just as much (more, actually) than mine at the thought of the children He wants for himself. Our God knows the spirit of ALL our infirmities, and I am so grateful to know that.

Thanks ladies, for listening, and for any strength you might be able to add to my journey. It helps a lot to know that I am not alone in this battle, and to be reminded that my worth isn't based on the outcome of a child.

Kristina, thank you for your courage to put into words what so many of us have to process in our hearts and for graciously letting me share these fears with my readers.

National Adoption Awareness Day

As this post publishes, I am heading out the door to the hospital for my hysterectomy. But the news is too exciting not to share! The month of November is National Adoption Awareness Month with today (Nov. 15) specifically being National Adoption Day where courts across the country will finalise thousands of adoptions! Praying for, and rejoicing with, all the new forever families who are legally created today!!!

See NationalAdoptionDay.org for more information and visit The Adoptive Families Magazine calendar for a great list of suggestions on how to mark each day of this special month.

19th annual National Infertility Awareness Week

This week, October 19-25, RESOLVE is hosting its 19th annual National Infertility Awareness Week. Visit their site for a fact sheet to share with family and friends as well as other useful information.