Friday, August 21, 2009

Fears of Infertility

After so many years of "IF" (infertility), my heart will never be far from the journey nor from those still walking this heartache. Recently a member of the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums posted her thoughts and fears in the early steps of realizing she was no longer just trying to conceive, but now living the realities of infertility. I will not comment further, but rather let her post speak for itself...

Since introducing myself and lurking around here a while, I've finally come to the point that I can identify what I'm feeling, and right now it's fear. I KNOW that we are to be anxious about nothing, but all of this seems so new and terrible to me that I don't really know how not to be afraid of it without ignoring what I'm fearful of, and I know that's not the answer either. I'm hoping some of you wise women will have some wisdom to share, although to be honest I'm hoping I'll magically end up with a BFP ["Big Fat Positive" pregnancy test] this month and not have to worry about it anymore. But here goes.

I'm afraid I'll be "sick." - I've always been healthy and I'm afraid of finding out that I'm really afflicted with something and spend the rest of my life seeing doctors, trying different meds, and having surgeries. I'm a nurse- I've seen this life, I've never wanted it. I'm afraid that this not-conceiving thing is just a symptom of whatever is medically wrong with me.

I'm afraid of losing my ability to love children. - All my life all I've done is work with kids. In church, at my job, in social gatherings. I gravitate towards them naturally. I'm afraid of not being able to enjoy them any more, and of losing that part of my identity, the one that's "good with kids."

I'm afraid of financial strain. - I know that we'd like to adopt, but I'd also like to start that process as soon as possible instead of using all of our resources on fertility treatments first and then having nothing left over to adopt with. This isn't really high on my list of fears, but I find myself researching adoption options already when we haven't even been to see the doctor yet. DH won't even discuss a "what if" until we've tried for "a while longer" (how long is 'a while' again?)

I'm afraid of depression. - Self-explanatory. Both my parents struggled with depression, and the pain is so overwhelming sometimes that I wonder if I'm not slipping towards it too. I really don't think so right now, but can I take years of this?

I'm afraid of being outcast. - Having to explain my status to every new person I meet. Right now it's not too hard, we've "only" been married for 2 years, after all, and I look several years younger than I am. But this can't last much longer. I'm a pretty private person (read: pronounced introvert), and I hate being known by my 'status.' It can be hard enough for me to make friends sometimes anyway. I don't want a stigma over my head too.

I'm afraid of no babies. - Obviously! But really, I always wanted 6 kids at least. Can I really handle none?

I'm afraid of a spiritual reason for IF. - Sometimes, I know God doesn't allow "good things" because of something else we'll deal with in our lives. What if I can't have kids because I'm going to die of cancer next year and God didn't want to leave my husband alone and with an orphan? I know that's far fetched, but maybe you'll understand. If I can't have kids because of something coming that would be terrible for children, I don't know if I want to go through that either.

*sigh.* That might be it. We have an appointment with my gyn soon. Hopefully we can get most of my blood work paid for by using the "irregular cycles" and "painful menstruation" card since IF labs aren't covered. Anybody know how much a SA runs?

But, to be positive too:

I'm grateful for my DH [Dear Husband] - He is kind, understanding, and (almost) totally on the same page as I am. He holds me when I'm sad and tells me we're just going to take it 1 step at a time. And he's not scared of "putting sperm in a cup" as he calls it!

I'm grateful that I've been through pain in the past - Because I have some idea how to handle rough emotions. Not the same, but helpful nonetheless

I'm grateful that we had 1 year of of marriage footloose and fancy-free before baby-making started to hang over our heads. I'd hate to have started my marriage with months of disappointment.

I'm grateful, of course, for God's grace - And try to remember to pray for the sons he wants to bring into His kingdom when I feel the pain of not having any in my life yet. I'm grateful His heart for the world hurts just as much (more, actually) than mine at the thought of the children He wants for himself. Our God knows the spirit of ALL our infirmities, and I am so grateful to know that.

Thanks ladies, for listening, and for any strength you might be able to add to my journey. It helps a lot to know that I am not alone in this battle, and to be reminded that my worth isn't based on the outcome of a child.


Kristina, thank you for your courage to put into words what so many of us have to process in our hearts and for graciously letting me share these fears with my readers.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Join me for Virtual Spa Weekend!

This weekend about 40 beautiful ladies from Hannah's Prayer are gathered in Ohio for a retreat that will bless and encourage them in the midst of their infertility and/or loss journies. But since only these few ladies could gather, I wanted to provide an alternative for everyone else. Thus was born Virtual Spa Weekend on my InnerBeautyGirlz blog. So come on over and join the fun for a weekend of beauty tips, video clips to make you laugh and cry, and a ton of great give-aways including chocolate, books, jewelry and beauty supplies.

If you don't get to read this post until sometime after May 3, it will still be worth your while to come check out the Virtual Spa threads! Even after the contests are closed, the other encouraging posts will still remain. :) So let's kick off our Weekend with this YouTube message I recorded from my bathroom just last week. This video was created specifically for the ladies of Hannah's Prayer Ministries who are gathered in Ohio, but I pray the message of the video will give you a reason to smile, maybe even make you laugh as you see me with no makeup, unbrushed hair and sitting on the side of my tub in a bathrobe, or be an encouragement to you in whatever season of life you find yourself tonight.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Registration deadline is April 10, 2009!

The Hannah's Prayer Retreat registration deadline is the end of this week. If you are looking for a wonderful weekend of support and encouragement, you won't want to miss this May 1-3 event in Cincinnati, Ohio! Head to http://www.Hannah.org and register now. :)

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Consumed By Love

Last night (evening before Valentine's Day) I had the pleasure of sharing a little bit at a women’s event. There was quite a mixture of women there: married, divorced, singles, moms, those without children, those who had lost children...

I attended wearing a red turtleneck sweater. Over the sweater I wore a beautiful, large crystal-cut heart necklace. Under my sweater, unseen by anyone, I wore a second heart necklace, one of solid metal and inscribed with the words of John 15:13, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

We started by talking about thoughts that came to mind when hearing the words “consume” or “consumed". Answers varied from eating and drinking to living in a “consumer-driven” society where we practices "consumerism" of material goods. I then asked for input about what kinds of things we can be consumed by or that consumes us. The first answer was “fire,” followed by more of an understanding of what I was getting at: all-consuming goals, passions, ideas, anger, fear, etc.

I then pointed to my crystal necklace and talked about the ways we can strive to look beautiful on the outside and reflect a good image to the world around us, just like the facets on this necklace reflect beautiful colors and light. To look at most of us you might think that we “have it all together.” But if I take off my necklace (as I did while saying these words) and hold it off by itself, we can see that all that beauty is just outward and that inside there is nothing there but plain glass. Sometime what we portray to the world is simply a disguise for the fragile emptiness we are feeling inside.

We all have different heartaches. Yours may be longing for someone to love or be loved by. It may be seeking fulfillment in an unfulfilling job. It might be trying to make your body look differently than it does in order to fill that void in you heart. For me it was a combination of infertility and losses, along with chronic health issues, that lead me to the point of desperation and even contemplating suicide. No one could see that lonely emptiness inside, but I knew it was there. I was consumed by the pursuit of motherhood and my feelings of failure as a woman because I couldn't get there. The heartache and grief consumed me every day and I felt abandoned by God because it seemed that He didn't even care.

But thankfully how I may "feel" about God doesn't dictate reality. Lamentations chapter 3 is a long book of heartache about all the things this author suffered. But hidden right in the midst of his complaints, he dramatically shifts gears for a few verses and boldly proclaims, "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." While I was busy feeling overlooked by Him, He had already been going out of His way to prove the opposite to me.

What is the value of something? It really is NOT the cost of an item as much as it is what someone is really willing to pay. There are many things I don't buy because the price tag is higher than I feel the value to be. But God placed the ultimate value on me when He choose to pay the price of His son's life to prove His love for me! Many of us know the verse John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." God made this verse very personal to me in the midst of infertility when I realized that "God so long to call me His daughter that He allowed the death of His only biological son to pay the price of my adoption."

If you are feeling empty and fragile and wondering about God's love for you, He has proved it better than any knight in shining armor ever could. John 15:13 is engraved on this necklace (as I pull the second necklace out of its hiding place and let it rest outside my sweater) and states that "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." Just like this necklace is strong and solid and full of meaning, when I put my hope in God and trust Him at His word even when I don't "feel" Him there, He fills that empty place in my heart with hope.

” Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness…
For men are not cast off
by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.“


-Lamentations3:21-23, 3:31-32 (NIV)

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Hannah's Prayer Retreat Information

Event: Hannah's Prayer Retreat
Date: Fri, May 01, 2009 - Sun, May 03, 2009
Place: Cincinnati, OH
Details: This retreat is for married women who have experienced infertility, pregnancy loss, or infant death. Join other sisters in Christ who know the pain these experiences bring, and be encouraged together to look to Christ for hope and healing.

Location: Sheraton Cincinnati Airport Hotel, 2826 Terminal Drive, Hebron, KY 41048

Cost: $200 per person for event, hotel, and all meals. $65 per person local option for event and Friday dinner only.

Speaker: Ginger Garrett, author of several books, including Moments for Couples Who Long for Children and Beauty Secrets of the Bible.

The theme is "Beautiful in His Sight." Through worship, prayer, encouraging messages, various workshops, and fun & fellowship, we hope to strengthen our relationship with Christ and one another and be reminded that even though our bodies don't work the way they're "supposed to" and our lives are not turning out as we'd planned, we are precious and beautiful and loved by the Lord, and He has a great plan for our lives, whether He sends us children or not.

God brings beauty from the ashes in our journey!

For more information or to register, please visit Hannah's Prayer Ministries at http://www.Hannah.org

Monday, December 01, 2008

Anna's story

As we prepare our hearts for the celebration of the birthday of our Lord, with all the focus on a pregnant young woman and a tiny newborn Baby, may our Risen Lord comfort each hurting heart and allow us true joy in the wonder of God-become-man for our redemption. Christmas, while yes about a Baby, is also about a Father's first step toward heartbreak at the death of His only Son, all because He understands the longing to grow His family - the death of His Son was the cost of my adoption as His daughter.

The following is copyrighted material and has been adapted from "Pray, Faith, and Compassion," chapter eleven of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, & Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, NavPress, 2005. Please do not duplicate without permission.


The rumors circulated about how Anna had been barren for the seven years her husband lived (see Luke 2:22-38). Others speculated about children that she might have buried along-side her beloved groom. Whatever her true story, they all shook their heads at the shame of her lonely state, without any living male relative to care for her in her advancing years.

Anna commented little on the gossip of the crowd, striving to live gracefully, not giving in to the anger and bitterness that could so easily have ruled her heart. Yes, a lifetime later, she still missed the man who was to have been her life-partner, provider, and protector. While her womb had dried up long ago, some days her arms still longed to be filled by the weight of an infant.

Like Hannah had nearly 1,000 years earlier, Anna took her heartache to the temple. As the years passed by, Anna devoted more and more of her time to prayer and fasting. The life she had envisioned for herself was replaced with a lifestyle of ongoing worship. Those who had once pitied Anna, now sought out the prophetess for her wisdom.

Over the past 400 years since He had last added to His written Word, it sometimes seemed as if God had forgotten His promise to redeem Israel. But Anna's heart was stirred by strange things happening in recent months - Zachariah struck mute while performing his highest yearly duty, Elizabeth a mother in her old age, that young girl from Nazareth the center of scandal as she claimed to be a virgin, yet with child.

This day seemed to Anna like every other, until Simeon (who seemed to be at the temple almost as often as Anna) rushed to the young couple and took in his arms the infant they had brought for circumcision. At that moment Anna realized that all the heartache of her lifetime had been worth this one moment she now witnessed. Had it not been for her life taking so many seemingly "wrong" turns, she would not be in this right place at this perfect time. As the weight of this tiny One filled the ache of her arms, the last remnants of grief were erased from her heart as well. What joy that, as a direct result of years of grief and loneliness, she was now privileged to proclaim the Consolation of Israel!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Reasons for Thanksgiving

Earlier this week I posted about about The Scrifice of Thanksgiving and concluded with the thought that, "Scripture seems clear that praise and thanksgiving bring about peace in the midst of pain and heartache. Not easy, but certainly a worthwhile sacrifice!" I know there was a lot to process in that article, so today I would like to share simply some resons we can have for thanksgiving, even in the midst of heartache (verses taken from NIV):


- God responds to our pain – “For he has not despised or distained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help” (Psalm 22:24).


- He puts an end to pain – “Sing to the LORD, you saints of his, praise his holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:4-5).


- He helps us – “Praise be to the LORD< for he has heard my cry for mercy. The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song” (Psalm 28:6-7).


- He carries the load – “Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens” (Psalm 68:19)


- He is our comforter – “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).


- He is faithful – “Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations” (Psalm 100:3-5).


- It is within His character to bless those without hope – “He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD” (Psalm 113:9).


Please leave a comment to share what you are thankful for in the character of God this week as well!

Monday, November 24, 2008

The Sacrifice of Thanksgiving

© Copyright 1997, Jennifer Saake
Reprinted from the Fall 1997 issue of "Hannah to Hannah" (print newsletter published 1995-1999 by Hannah's Prayer Ministires)
All Scripture taken from the New International Version (NIV), emphasis added



“We bring the sacrifice of praise into the house of the Lord. And we offer up to You the sacrifices of thanksgiving…”

How often do we take the time to truly think about the words we sing in church each Sunday? What are sacrifices of thanksgiving and praise? “Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise – the fruit of lips that confess his name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is please” (Hebrews 13:15-16).

We see “sacrifice” used throughout the Old Testament. God said that without the shedding of blood there could be no removal of sin, so animal sacrifice was ordained from the day sin entered the world through Adam, and was to continue until the day that God the Father experienced the grief of watching His own Son Jesus, the “Second Adam,” die in our places to clean our guilt and make a way for us to be adopted into His Heavenly family.

“I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving. This will please the LORD more than an ox, more than a bull with its horns and hoofs” (Psalm 69:30-31). Webster’s dictionary includes several definitions of “sacrifice,” many along the lines of bloodshed on an altar, but here are some alternate definitions that I think are more applicable to the idea of offering sacrifices of praise and thanksgiving. “An act of offering to a deity something precious” or the “surrender of something for the sake of something else.”

We are introduced to Hannah in the context of her family’s journey to the temple to offer a yearly sacrifice (1 Samuel 1:3). Hannah was abiding by the law of the land in making the blood sacrifice demanded of her, but her heart was willing to sacrifice more. “In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. And she made a vow saying, ‘O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life…’” (1 Sam. 1:10-11).

That was some sacrifice! No, Hannah didn’t offer false thanksgiving by denying her pain or trying to pretend to God that everything was fine, but in the same breath that she asked Him to grant her heart’s desire, she turned around and promised that the child would belong to God for his entire life. What an act of reverence for the God who created her and held the power to breathe life into her empty womb!

We see that from this point on, even before God allowed her to conceive, that Hannah worshipped the Lord (1 Sam. 1:19). That change from a bitter soul to an attitude of praise, was the willingness to sacrifice her will to God. The words of Jonah reflect what Hannah probably felt: “But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. Salvation comes from the LORD” (Jonah 2:9).

-----

Let’s take a look at another family in the Bible – the first family that ever existed. Adam and Eve’s first two sons were named Cain and Able. Because sin had already entered the world before these sons were born, they grew up under the sacrificial system and worshipped the Lord from the time they were tiny. Cain and Able both knew God’s rules by heart. God was worthy of their obedience, respect, and honor, if for no other reason than simply because His is God! “For great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; He is to be feared above all gods” (1 Chronicles 16:25).

The problem came as they grew up and started their own careers. Able raised sheep while Cain pursued farming – both professions were honorable. These men knew that God required blood atonement in repentance for sin. While Able could readily offer the sacrifices God required by giving from his own flock, Cain had to exchange his produce to buy lambs foe each sacrifice. (Kind of gives new meaning to the figure of speech, “You can’t squeeze blood out of a turnip!”)

At some point Cain tired of the system God set up. I don’t know if he just didn’t like the hassle of selling crops and buying sheep each day, or if his pride got in the way and decided that since Able could offer the product he produced in shepherding, the he should be able to offer the work of his own hands as well. Whatever the reason, Cain decided to bring a sacrifice of his produce rather than offer a blood sacrifice to the Lord (Genesis 4:1-5). When his offering displeased the Lord, Cain pouted. God gave him a second chance to make his attitude and actions right, saying, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must mater it” (Gen. 4:6-7).

Unlike Hannah’s story of obedience and willingness to sacrificially offer her one true desire to the Lord, Cain’s story took a tragic turn when he hardened his heart in rebellion. In the end, Cain murdered Able out of jealousy, and Eve, the world’s first mother, lost two sons in one day – one to death, and one to banishment by the Lord!

God’s displeasure with Cain had nothing to do with a preference of meat over fruit. It had everything to do with Cain’s heart attitude and unwillingness to submit to God’s perfect plan. When Hannah did have a son, Samuel put it well: “Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams” (1 Sam 15:22).

I’m afraid I often tend to be much more like Cain than Hannah. I don’t like to bend when God calls me to something outside my comfort zone. While we live in an age of grace and are no longer bound by the Old Testament code of blood sacrifice, God still desires my heart to be soft to him and offer praise and thanksgiving even when it hurts – no, especially when it hurtsfor this is where the sacrifice begins. “O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. You do not delight in sacrifices, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise” (Psalm 51:15-17).

We are instructed, in view of God’s mercy, to offer our “bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God” and this is seen as an act of worship. How can we do this? “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:1-2).

Even when we allow God to renew us, at times it is still hard to understand His perfect will for us in light of fertility challenges. “To do what’s right and just is more acceptable to the LORD than sacrifice” (Proverbs 21:3). God told Cain that he must “Do what is right,” but how can I know what is right for me in fertility or in Noel’s death? I often felt, especially in the earlier days of our struggle, that the withholding of children was a sign that, like Cain, God was not looking on us with favor. I have struggled with anger towards God, and my face has definitely been downcast! I cannot go exchange my fruit for flock to make an acceptable burnt offering, so what can I do?

I have finally realized that doing what is right in infertility is simply allowing God to make the rules! He is asking me to make a change in the sacrifice I am willing to bring, and it is up to me if I will trade my bitterness for praise as Hannah did, or if I will use my pain to feed a jealous rage like Cain. I want to offer myself to God as a great parent, to raise the children He gives us, and train them to follow after Him. My desire is a good one. There is nothing wrong with this desire, just as there was nothing wrong with Cain choosing to farm the land. In fact, my desire is God-given!

But perhaps one thing I have in common with Cain is pride. After all, God had apparently always showered Cain with blessings in the past, as He has me, so it is easy to expect Him to continue His blessings on my terms, without waiting to see what His will or His master plan will be. “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river…” (Isaiah 48:17b-18a).

For Cain it would have been as simple as letting go of his pride and continuing to buy his sheep from his brother, as an act of obedience to God. For me it is letting God teach me to surrender my plans to His will. He knows that I still desire to raise a family. But I am learning to exchange the sacrifice I want to give for the One He asks me to offer, in obedience to His perfect will for my life.

He does not want just my parenting skills, but He wants all of me! “To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding, with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices” (Mark 12:33). I am learning, slowly, but learning none the less, that to give my whole self- body, mind, heart, spirit, soul, wants, dreams, desires, goals – over to Him, is the only acceptable sacrifice in His sight. “For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgement of God rather than burnt offerings” (Hosea 6:6).

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil 4:6-7). When we pray in an attitude of true thanksgiving, being honest with God about our pain, yet making the effort to sacrifice our attitudes to Him, we are rewarded with a peace that defies earthly reason. “I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone – kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth” (1 Tim. 2:1-4).


Scripture seems clear that praise and thanksgiving bring about peace in the midst of pain and heartache. Not easy, but certainly a worthwhile sacrifice!


“Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed” (Psalm 103:2-6).

Saturday, November 15, 2008

National Adoption Awareness Day

As this post publishes, I am heading out the door to the hospital for my hysterectomy. But the news is too exciting not to share! The month of November is National Adoption Awareness Month with today (Nov. 15) specifically being National Adoption Day where courts across the country will finalise thousands of adoptions! Praying for, and rejoicing with, all the new forever families who are legally created today!!!

See NationalAdoptionDay.org for more information and visit The Adoptive Families Magazine calendar for a great list of suggestions on how to mark each day of this special month.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Having a Hysterectomy on Nov. 15

I was told in my early 20s that I would probably need a hysterecotmy by the time I was 30. I am 36, so I've been given several years of unexpected grace in this area. I'm actually doing surprisingly well with the news that the time has finally come. I'm in so much pain and so tired from ongoing bleeding that I'm strangly looking forward to getting it done! This peace can only be attributed to God as I can remember in the early days of our infertility journey that my mom had her hysterectomy and I was so upset over hers that I couldn't even go down and help her. I couldn't imagine ever having this kind of peace over my own need for one, but here it is and God is providing such clear assurance that He is here in the midst of this.

So amazingly, while I am grieving a bit over this final loss of reproductive ability, the grief is minimal and instead I feel a profound sence of relief as God brings this chapter to a close. All I can do is praise the Lord for His overwhelming grace and peace in all of this because I know my reaction is well outside my normal human experiences.

My one long-term prayer is that this will be effective in managing my endo for the long haul. I know several women who have had hysterectomies and still deal with endo pain. My doctor says this is rare, but I seem to prove the rare cases. We are planning to let me keep one ovary at this point so that I don't have to go on hormone replacement (Since I tolerate outside hormones so poorly!) and I am praying this will turn out to be a good decision and not one that causes ongoing endo growth. If you could pray with me specifically along these lines, I would be greatful!

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Faith Amidst Unanswered Prayers

On the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums I am posting monthly devotionals based on various chapters of Hannah's Hope. Here's the 11th in this series.

The following is copyrighted material and has been adapted from "Prayer, Faith and Compassion" chapter eleven of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, & Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, NavPress, 2005. Please do not duplicate without permission. You may read a portion of this book here.
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As she kept on praying to the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. - 1 Samuel 1:12 (NIV)


I was born with a defect of my uterus causing conception difficulties as well as contributing to recurrent miscarriage. When I was being knit together in my own mother's womb, did God drop a stitch? How could I consider my broken reproductive organs to be wonderfully made? Jesus' interaction with a man born blind is enlightening:


His disciples aske him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayedd in his life." (John 9:2-3)



While it was a struggle to come to grips with God's hand in my sufering, there was also great freedom in realizing that my faith wasn't invalidated when prayers seemed to go unanswered. Of the many names listed in the Hebrews "Hall of Faith," Scripture states, "These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect" (Hebrews 11:39-40).

The apostle Paul pleaded repeatedly with the Lord to remove his "thorn in the flesh." Rather than relief from pain, God's answer was, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). Jesus asked of His Father that He not be called to face the cross "if it is possible" (Matthew 26:39). Was it impossible for God to prevent the crucifixion? No! He is God and can do whatever He pleases. Was it imperative that God allow it for my sake, even when it was possible for Him to prevent it? Yes!

So Jesus, through pervect prayer with holy motives, through a direct audience with the Father, asked for God to do the possible, yet even Christ did not receive what He asked. His burden was not removed. His painful trial and execution were yet to be endured. If all is possible with God, yet He chose to say no even to the request of His beloved Son, can I not rest assured that trials that seem unbearable in my life fit much better in His perfect plan than anything I can imagine from my limited viewpoint?

We are twice told that God closed Hannah's womb. While we can look with clarity of hindsight and see that He was preparing Hannah's heart so that her cherished son would be raised in a temple and bring a nation back to Himself, Hannah knew none of this then. In the same way, when I was in the middle of my deepest infertility heartache, I could not see how God was refining me and preparing my heart to better serve Him - both as a mother and through ministry. I did not know that my seemingly unanswered prayers were, in fact, being answered in a way I couldn't seen then. Had I known, perhaps it would have been easier to keep my faith strong. But then it wouldn't have really been "faith" - would it?

...One day, as I wrestled with God, He comforted me with the realization that struggling through disappointment with Him is not a sign of doubt, but rather proof of my faith. Hebrews affirms that God-honoring faith is as simple as coming to Him believing simply that He exists (see Hebrews 11:1, 6). If I believe He exists, it is reasonable that I might come to Him with preconceived notions of how He will answer. It is easy to trust when God's ways mesh perfectly with my plans. But it is only when reality collides with my preconceptions that my faith is tried and proved...


Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. - Lamentations 3:22 (NIV)

Monday, October 20, 2008

19th annual National Infertility Awareness Week

This week, October 19-25, RESOLVE is hosting its 19th annual National Infertility Awareness Week. Visit their site for a fact sheet to share with family and friends as well as other useful information.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Tuesday, September 09, 2008



As part of National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week I had the joy of talking about Medication, Illness, Fertility and the Desire for Motherhood with Rest Ministries founder, Lisa Copen this afternoon. If you missed the live broadcast, please turn in to the archived program at www.blogtalkradio.com/invisibleillnessconf/2008/09/09/Medications-Illness-Fertility-and-the-Desire-for-Motherhood.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

I'll be on blog radio next week!


Press Release:

Christian Organization Unites the Millions Who Live with Invisible Illness

Contact: Lisa Copen, Rest Ministries, 858-486-4685, rest@restministries.org

MEDIA ADVISORY, Sept. 3 /Christian Newswire/ -- Nearly 1 in 2 people in the USA live with a chronic illness and about 96% of the illnesses are invisible.* Rest Ministries, Inc., the largest Christian organization that serves the chronically ill, an affiliate of Joni Eareckson Tada's International Disability Ministry, is encouraging those with illness, as well and family, caregivers, and churches through their annual outreach event, National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week, September 8-14, 2008.

This year the week features 20 workshops with well-known guest speakers who will be presenting and answering questions via Blog Talk Radio, September 8-12.

Speakers include:
• Leslie Vernick, author of The Emotionally Destructive Relationship (Harvest House, 2007)
• Julie-Allyson Ieron, author of The Overwhelmed Woman's Guide to Caring for Aging Parents (Moody, 2008)
• Lisa Copen, author of Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend (Rest Publishers, 2008)
• Jennifer Saake, author of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage and Adoption Loss (NavPress, 2005) Tune in to the archived program at www.blogtalkradio.com/invisibleillnessconf/2008/09/09/Medications-Illness-Fertility-and-the-Desire-for-Motherhood.


Lisa Copen, 39, founder of Rest Ministries says, "Since we began in 1997 we've found that despite the strong foundation Christians may have, illness can rock it. Feeling like no one understands how much your life has changed since a diagnosis can be more spiritually detrimental than the illness itself. It can make one feel isolated, misunderstood and even bitter."

Copen, who has lived with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia since the age of twenty-four explains why Invisible Illness week matters. "Those with illness do have to accept that other people aren't going to 'get it.' Only God understands. But it's nice to encourage peers and find strength in validating the mixed emotions. You don't have to explain why walking twenty feet may be impossible some days."

Rest Ministries extends their outreach about illness awareness to churches, providing materials to start up HopeKeepers groups, books, cards, tracts, etc. About 96% of those with illness may appear perfectly healthy on Sunday mornings, but may struggle to get out of bed the remainder of the week.

Ken Chambers, Director of Church Relations at Joni and Friends International Disability Center, says, "It is vital that Christians understand the emotional and spiritual trials of those with invisible disabilities, as well as those with visible disabilities. Rest Ministries is dedicated to educating churches to not only serve the chronically ill, but to involve them in the church body. I encourage church leaders to take advantage of the wealth of resources at Rest Ministries and to participate in the National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week."

Get involved by joining the hundreds of people who will blog about invisible illness on September 8th, attend a seminar, or tell someone who has an illness about the event. Typically, people with illness are unable to attend a traditional conference, so a "virtual conference" is widely anticipated. All seminars will also be recorded and archived.

See www.invisibleillness.com. Rest Ministries is at www.restministries.org.

*Source: Chronic Care in America, U.S. Census Bureau


-------------------------
Press Release written by:
Lisa Copen
Rest Ministries, Director
HopeKeepers Magazine, Editor

National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week
Founder & Coordinator



“HOPE CAN GROW FROM THE SOIL OF ILLNESS!”
This is the theme of 2008’s National Invisible
Chronic Illness Awareness Week in September.
Drop by and find out ways to encourage a
friend, be encouraged yourself, and spread the word.
http://www.InvisibleIllness.com and our blog
http://www.InvisibleIllness.Wordpress.com

Monday, September 01, 2008

Anything for a Child? (part 2)

On the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums I am posting monthly devotionals based on various chapters of Hannah's Hope. Here is “part two” on thoughts from chapter ten, tackling the specific question of manipulating God. Part one, focusing on grace in supporting one another as God uniquely leads each of us through the plans He has for our lives, is posted here.

I wrote the bulk of this chapter addressing 10 “filter questions” and their accompanying Scriptural support. The questions are designed to help you in making decisions concerning treatment options, adoption plans or other choices related to the infertility journey. Today we will look at just one of these questions, realizing that we are pulling it out of context from the rest of the chapter so it won’t be quite as clear on its own as it would be in the big picture. To get a better feel for my heart, I would encourage you to read chapter 10 entirely for more background.

The following is copyrighted material and has been adapted from "Anything for a Child?" chapter ten of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, & Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, NavPress, 2005. Please do not duplicate without permission. You may read a portion of this book here.


And she made a vow saying, “Oh LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, the I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”
- 1 Samuel 1:11 (NIV)


What Hannah might have prayed:
“King of Kings, who am I that I should even dare to approach your throne? But I am beyond desperate. Great Physician, I need your healing hand upon both my defective body and my splintered heart. I would give anything to hear the name ‘Mommy’ called to my ears. I’ll be a godly mother and see that this child puts You first in everything...”
Almost before she realized what she was saying, she had committed her future child to the life of a Nazirite (see Numbers 6). What had she done, letting her emotions carry her to such a vow? This burden was voluntarily taken by only a few, and typically for just a short season, not for life.
But there was no going back now. If the Lord’s grace ever brought her the joy of labor pains, her son would live set apart, much like Samson, who had delivered her people from the Philistines after God placed him in the womb of his sterile mother (see Judges 13)…


When children don’t come along as planned, we face emotionally taxing, financially draining, and ethically complex choices. “Lord, I’ll do anything for a baby!” can be the soul’s gripping cry. But the moral and spiritual questions quickly arise: Is anything really okay? How far is “too far”? Do ends always justify means? Can I bargain with God or manipulate my way to motherhood?

Am I trying to force God’s hand?
Sometimes God gives us less than the best He desires for us because we beg Him to do so, just as He conceded to the demands of Israel (see 1 Samuel 8:6-22). Am I trying to manipulate my way to a baby? Am I trying to bargain with God? Am I willing to accept God’s best for my life, or do I want to be in the driver’s seat and demand what I perceive to be best?
One of our adoption losses was especially painful. I had invested my heart in the life of a young birth mother and watched in awe as “our son” performed on the stage of his first ultrasound. I fell head-over-heals in love, only to be asked to support this woman as she chose a different family.
I ask, “Lord, how could you ask such a thing of me? Might a few well-spoken words swing the pendulum of parenthood back in our favor?” He answered clearly through the pages of His Word that morning in the hospital. Genesis 16 reminded me that while Sarah’s plan did bring about the birth of Ishmael, everyone suffered as a result of her manipulation. I was strongly convicted that, as much as I craved this child, I had to let go.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
- Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)


------------
Dear Lord,
Sometimes this path can be so confusing! You say children are a blessing, so how could fulfilling my longing for a baby be anything less than Your best for me? Sometimes it seems like I need to "help" You along, to push open door and blaze trails when You seem to be forgetting to act on my behalf. Please help me to remember that Your plan is truly best. Thank You that Your thoughts are so much higher than my limited understanding! Help me not to shove ahead of Your best plan, pushing for Your "second best" for my life rather than waiting for You to fulfill what You most want for me. Please teach me to trust that You really do have me on the straightest path to my heart's desires, to be fulfilled in Your perfect timing, as I learn what it means to fully acknowledge You in everything.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

My teenager in Heaven, Noel Alexis

No, time doesn't heal all heartache. But the pain does ease, soften, change, grow with you, become a part of who you are over time. A Mommy's heart never forgets. I'm not in the staggering pain of the early years nor even the meloncoly "could-a-would-a-should-a" been grief of a handfull of years ago.

With happy-sorrow (happy that she is part of my life, sorrow that we have been apart so many years and I must continue waiting for Heaven to meet her) I am quietly remembering my beautiful first baby girl who was due this weekend, 13 years ago. Hard to believe I'm the Mommy of a teenager in Heaven now.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Noel! You are forever loved and really being missed today.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Hannah's Hope, Kindle Edition

For any fans of Amazon's Kindle system, just wanted to let you know that Hannah's Hope is now available as a Kindle book! :)

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Anything for a Child?

On the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums I started posting monthly devotionals based on various chapters of Hannah's Hope last year. After several months of not consistently posting, I am picking up with “part one” on thoughts from chapter ten, focusing on grace in supporting one another as God uniquely leads each of us through the plans He has for our lives. I will continue with “part two” from chapter 10 next month, tackling the specific question of manipulating God.

Of all the chapters I have adapted for devotionals, this one has been the hardest to change into this format because I wrote this chapter differently from the others, with the bulk of the chapter addressing 10 “filter questions” and their accompanying scriptural support to help you in making decisions concerning treatment options, adoption plans or other choices related to the infertility journey. The following is copyrighted material and has been adapted from "Anything for a Child?" chapter ten of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, & Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, NavPress, 2005. Please do not duplicate without permission. You may read a portion of this book here.


And she made a vow saying, “Oh LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, the I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”
- 1 Samuel 1:11 (NIV)


For some, the inability to conceive is simply a closed door, and they have peace to move on to other life goals. For the rest of us, when children don’t come along as planned, we face emotionally taxing, financially draining, and ethically complex choices. “Lord, I’ll do anything for a baby!” can be the soul’s gripping cry.

Hannah too, felt this anguish. In desperation, she called out to the Lord, committing her yet-to-be conceived son to the life of a Nazirite (Numbers 6), a vow to hold him to a highly restrictive lifestyle that was normally entered into only for a short season, yet she was making this promise on his behalf, for life!

Is “anything” for a baby really okay? As Rick and I prayerfully considered what we could or should attempt in efforts to add children to our family we faced questions such as these: Is medical aid acceptable? If so, how far is too far? What longing would (and would not) adoption resolve for us? Can I bargain with God or manipulate my way to motherhood? If my friends or family are pushing me toward treatment or adoption and we don’t feel God leading us there, is there anything wrong with not taking these paths?

The authoritative source to answer all these questions is the Word of God. But even though we’re all reading the same Bible, Christians often reach significantly differing opinions about acceptable options. I believe this can be attributed, at least in part, to the Holy Spirit’s unique leading in each family. “For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart” (Hebrews 4:12).

While there are some “black-and-white” scriptural constants, I must remember that the convictions God lays on my heart in “gray” areas, may or may not be applicable to others. Just as I don’t want you to judge the choices I make with a clear conscience before the Lord, I cannot fault you for the paths He chooses for you, even when I would not personally have peace in the same decisions.

It all goes back to each person’s need to listen for that still, small voice whispering to our hearts, “This is the way, walk in it.” Then we must WALK where He directs, as He prompts. Not RUN in our own directions ahead of His will or stubbornly dig in our heels, refusing to move forward…

If any of your lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
- James 1:5 (NIV)


------------
Dear Lord,
Thank You that You do have a special plan for my life. I may not like where You have me right now, but I thank You that I don’t have to walk this path alone, without Your guidance for each decision and step. And I thank You for friends who have walked/are walking this journey to support and cheer me along the way. We may not always see eye to eye nor come to the same conclusions about Your directions for our lives, but we can still lean on and learn from one another as we each follow the paths You have laid for our individual journeys. I thank You that You are the final authority my husband and I answer to in the moral and ethical decisions this journey can bring. And I thank You for the guidance of Your written Word and of Your Spirit to give us the wisdom we so desperately need.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Book Signing, June 14, Reno, Nevada

I will be one of four authors participating in a book signing on Saturday, June 14, from 1-4 at His Word Christian bookstore (7689 S Virginia St.) in Reno, NV. Two of us are from right here in Reno, the other two are driving over from the Sacramento area. Please come support and encourage your local authors!

Diana Symons has written two Children's fairy tales with a Christian influence called "Tales From the Thone" - DianaSymons.com

Jeanette Hanscome (leader of the Reno Christian Writers critique group) has written several pre-teen and young-adult bookes including "Want More? Joy" Brio Devotional #3 and two books in Focus on the Family's Brio Girls fiction series. - JeanetteHanscome.com

Jan Kern will be sharing her recent teen and young adult releases, "Scars That Wound, Scars That Heal--A Journey Out of Self-Injury" and "Seduced by Sex, Saved by Love? A Journey Out of False Intimacy". - JanKern.com

And I will be signing Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss - Read the first chapter and find out more at http://www.HannahsHopeBook.com

I would love to see your smiling faces on the 14th! Please feel free to pass this news along to your local church, teen group, youth group, women's group, book club, or anyone you know who may be interested in any of the topics we are touching on. Or if you know anyone who simply might like to meet local "real, live authors," we would love to meet them too.