Family Ties

On the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums I am posting monthly devotionals based on various chapters of Hannah's Hope. Here's the first. You may read through the full series of these devotionals here.

The following is copyrighted material and has been adapted from "Family Ties," chapter one of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, & Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, NavPress, 2005. Please do not duplicate without permission. You may read this chapter in its entirety here.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them... God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. - Genesis 1:27, 31 (NIV)

To raise children was Hannah's occupation of choice, with no back up plan arranged. When grown-up reality didn't measure up, her definition of family, her very understanding of life itself, was shaken to the core.
In her book The Ache for a Child*, Debra Bridwell explains the devastation this way:

God had the desire to create new life; and He wanted to create it in His own image. If He, being perfect and complete had this desire to create, how could it be selfish or wrong? And because He created us in His image, with many of His attributes, it should come as no surprise that we share His desire to create.
If we yearn to take part in the miracle of creating a new life "in our image" with attributes like our own, and want the intimacy of nurturing our child to maturity, that is only natural. This yearning is God-given and a part of how we are created. It's no wonder that we can feel jarred and confused when we are unable to fulfill it.

One of God's first instructions to the human race was to be fruitful and multiply. Scripture speaks highly of the role of parenthood. If children are a mark of God's blessing, what does infertility mean? Questions seem to mount much faster than answers...

Shortly after I began planning to write Hannah's Hope Julie Donahue (co-founder of Hannah's Prayer Ministries) challenged me to read through my entire Bible, looking for every passage that could in any way, directly or indirectly, relate to infertility. The adventure took fourteen months. There were times when the study seemed to painful to continue - so many passages were laced with generational records. I would pray:

Lord, one of my greatest fears is that our family tree will stop growing here. I don't want to be an old stump, cut off and cast away. The psalmist wrote, "Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your sons will be like olive shoots around your table" [Psalm 128:3]. Father, reading of your faithfulness to countless generations serves only to discourage me more. You were faithful to them - what about us? Will my husband ever have a "fruitful" wife? Will our family tree ever produce new shoots? These passages carefully explaining who begat whom, all the way back to Adam, are very painful for me.

If we climb through the branches of Hannah's family tree, we see that the Jewish nation had a tentative start. Infertility took center stage in God's account of history and the establisment and continuation of the Isralites often seemed in question. Abraham was one hundred years old and Sarah ninety when their child of promise was finally born (Gen. 17:17). Isaac, in turn, prayed for his barren wife, Rebekah, before God placed twins within her womb (Gen. 25:21). One of those boys, Jacob, also went on to taste fertiltiy challenges. While he had twelve sons, only two came from his beloved wife, Rachel, who struggled through years of infertility, both primary and secondary.

I've often wondered if Rachel's first son, Joseph, might also have battled to become a father. The Bible records only two sons for him, something rare in an age without birth control, when a large family was a sign of prestige. When this beloved son of Jacob chose to name his second son Ephraim, he pronounced, "It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering" (Gen. 41:52). I find it ironic that Hannah's story is stages in the the hill country of Ephraim, the land of the "twice fruitful."

Realizing that her ancestors had also known her pain might have offered Hannah great comfort. But these same stories could have just as easily added to her burden and grief. Imagine Hannah's growing grief as she began to realize that those evenings of passion shared with her sweetheart were not producing within her womb the expected results. Her quandry gives new depth of meaning to Proverbs 13:12, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." But even when it seemed God was silent to her cries, when she felt outcast and rejected by both God and man, she knew where to turn in her questioning and pain and this is what we much learn to do as well.

But I cry to you for help, O LORD: in the morning my prayer comes before you. Why, O LORD, do you reject me and hide your face from me?
Psalm 88:13-14 (NIV)

I look forward to sharing devotional time with you on the first Monday of each month. This month we have set the stage and can relate to what Hannah was feeling. Next month we will begin to explore how to cope with this anguish we all know so deeply. If there are portions of the book that have especially ministered to you, please leave your comments as I will be visiting often in selecting passages for future devotionals. May the Lord grant us each grace and peace as we pursue hard after Him for the healing of our deepest hurts.

*quote from Debra Bridwell, The Ache for a Child (Wheaton, Ill.: Victor, 1994), p. 27

Almost 12? A new ministry in memory of our Noel.

This past winter I've found myself draw to the interests of pre-teen girls. I couldn't figure out why, but I spent my hours exploring doll company websites and even wanting to write a new book series for "tween" and younger teen girls. And then it hit me...
Noel would have been turning 12 this summer. With this realization, suddenly my winter interests took perspective and I realized that I was once again striving to fill that "missing" place in my heart.

From this renewed longing to connect with the daughter I will never know this side of heaven, I have found a joyful new passion. While not a link I would typically post to an infertility blog, please allow me to share with you now my new Inner Beauty Girlz site, dedicated in loving memory to our Noel. The purpose of this blog is to reach young ladies for Christ by drawing their interests through beauty tips and trips, contests, book and product reviews and more.

If you know of any young ladies who might be interested in Noel's page, please pass the link along www.mineralz.blogspot.com. Or if you have suggestions or ideas, I would love to hear from you. Afterall, I'm working from the premise of what I think Noel might have liked, but have no first-hand experience in parenting a preteen daughter!

Hannah's Prayer 2007 Retreat

Here's your chance to sit down and chat with a wonderful, loving group of real women who know exactly what it feels like to walk in your shoes. Come to the Hannah's Prayer 2007 Retreat from April 27-29, 2007 at The Sheraton Westport in St. Louis, MO, featuring speaker Kathe Wunnenberg, author of the wonderful devotional journals, Longing for a Child (infertility), Grieving the Child I Never Knew (pregnancy loss and infant death), and Grieving the Loss of a Loved One (all losses).


Purpose: The purpose of this retreat is to strengthen our relationship with Christ and one another and to encourage worship even in our toughest journey through infertility and loss.
Theme: "Growing in Christ"
Theme verse: 2 Peter 3:18 "But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen."


Visit the Hannah's Prayer Retreat Website for full details and registration information.

To the lady in room 212, tearfully remembering your baby today

I do not know your name.
I do not know the circumstances.
I do not even know if the child you grieve is a son or a daughter.
I only know that on this date one year ago today, we shared the labor and delivery wing of the same hospital. And while I went home with a precious miracle, you went home with empty arms and a broken heart.
Within my first hour home from the hospital, I posted a prayer request on the Hannah's Prayer message boards for you and your family. And with every landmark we have celebrated and rejoiced over the life of our son this year, I have carried you in my heart and lifted you before my Father in prayer.
You have made it through your first year now. I wish I had some way to let you know that your baby has forever left an imprint on me; that you are not forgotten.
So today I once again entrust you to the Lord who knows you so deeply that He has numbered the very hairs on your head. May you somehow know the comfort that only He can bring your grieving heart today.

fertility "collection condoms" or SCDs (seminal collection devices)

OK, I will admit that this information is a little more blunt than my standard blog fare, but I pray that it will be useful to someone. As noted in chapter 4 of Hannah's Hope, and more fully detailed in appendix b, for some couples the most sucessful way to obtain sperm samples either for testing or insemination is through the use a a special sterile, medical grade, non-spermacial condom.
At the time my book went to press, I did not have a current resource to offer for those seeking to obtain such a device. While most fertility clinics can obtain them for you, if your clinic cannot or does not have a resource to do so, here are some links that may be of help. Please note, these links are for informational purposes only, not a specific endorsement on my part of any specific clinic, product, company or medical procedure:
Understanding a Sperm Analysis
Using a Sperm Collection Condom
"Pre-seed" Semen Collection Kit
Semen Analysis Supplies (scroll down to "Semen Collection Condoms – Male-FactorPak)

Since it took us more than a year to track down this information when we needed it, I pray that someone who will benefit from this information will stumble upon this blog entry and find the information you need to help reduce one aspect of all the stress that infertility brings.

fiction titles with infertility and/or loss plot lines

I sometimes am more moved by fiction than by other kinds of writing. I'm starting a running list of Christian books that include infertility or loss in the plot lines.

What have you read that others might find interesting??? As a "comments" reply here, please give the title, author, and enough about the plot line that someone can decide if they are "ready" to give that book a read or if there are any unexpected surprises that could be painful triggers if caught by surprise. Here are a few I have enjoyed:

Chosen: The Lost Diaries of Queen Esther by Ginger Garrett (this author is a former member of Hannah's Prayer, by the way) is a fictionalized look at Esther, and in Ginger's telling of the story, she is never able to bear children. Spellbinding reading!

Rain Dance by Joy DeKok (also a past HP member, still living with primary infertility) is a compelling story about what happens when a Christian woman facing a childless future and a woman seeking an abortion are waiting to see the same doctor. The infertile woman feels like she could have been pulled from the pages of my journals!

Empty Womb, Aching Heart: Hope and Help for Those Struggling With Infertility by Marlo Schalesky is a fictionalized compilation of many real-life infertility stories (including my friend Julie Donahue's adoption story!) spanning all aspects of fertility challenges. The short stories are fast reading, realistic and great at getting to the emotional and spiritual heart of each challenge!

The Marriage Wish by Dee Henderson is about a young widow who goes into preterm labor shortly after the death of her husband and their little girl lives only 3 month, all in NICU. It's a tearjerker for sure, but very realistic in dealing with the grief emotions that she processes as she slowly learns to risk loving again.

Several books by Janette Oke include infertility and/or loss themes:
The Love Comes Softly series, while the main character is quite fertile, also includes a subplot of a friend with recurrent losses and eventually giving birth to her only living son with special needs. Later in the same series, there is stillbirth.
Canadian Mountie series, especially by the second and later books, is very much an infertility story and also includes adoption loss and sucessful adoptions.
A Bride for Donnigan has the main character being very unsympathetic with her friend's miscarriage grief until she herself suffers a stillborn baby.
- I know there are other titles that are strong fertility-related plot lines, but these are the ones that come to mind off the top of my head.

Karen Kingsbury has too many fertility-related stories for me to even list. Visit her website (where you can read her own adoption story!) at karenkingsbury.com

Julia's Hope by Leisha Kelly is an after-infertility mom of twins who opens her home as a bed-and-breakfast type place and her first client is a pregnant teen who is sent away to give birth and relinquish her child for adoption to save the family's disgrace. There is a lot of after-infertility emotional processing and conversations with God here.

While I have never had a chance to read it, I've often wanted to pick up The Long Awaited Child by Tracie Peterson. From the Stepping Stones bookstore review: "Novelist Tracie Peterson has written or co-written over 35 novels. This novel is the dual story of a woman, who wants nothing more than to be a mother, and a frightened pregnant teen, who wants nothing more than to run away from that responsibility. Be ready for some tears as you read how each of them overcomes past heartache to give the other her heart's desire."

Angela Hunt has written some compelling things. While not directly related to infertility, both "The Pearl" and "Unspoken" were thought provoking for me. I would not advise reading either when feeling emotionally fragile, and since not written specifically for an infertile audience, there will be things that might not sit well. But Pearl deals with the death of a child and a mother's depth of grief that drives to a splintered marriag and desperate measures including cloning, while Unspoken is a sweet story for anyone with a loving "Fur Baby" (animal/pet that is a stand-in child) in her life, though it does also relate a lot to grief (and has a subplot of miscarraige through another character) and has a rather tragic ending. I have never read "The Truth Teller" by this same author but believe it is a story about an infertile woman who is widowed and tries to still have her husband's child - as with any of Hunt's books, I would expect there to be a lot of plot twisting, no easy answers and ethically challenging complexity involved.

So, what hidden infertility/loss plots have you discovered? Have the books been helpful or hurtful as you have read? Please share your finds by posting a "comment" to this topic!

A poem for a friend who lost her daughter

I had the honor of spending a few hours this afternoon with a new friend from church who shared with me the beautiful pictures of her little girl who wasn't due until February but went to be with the Lord at 21 weeks. I took with me a teddy bear that I had stuffed for her along with this poem, written in dedication to her little girl:

Tender Hugs Bear
© Jennifer Saake, 2006 (Please do not duplicate without permission.)
Both bear and poem, lovingly crafted in honor and memory of Sara.


When your grieving heart is aching
And your empty arms too heavy to bear,
Hold me close and hug me tender.
I was stuffed for you with many a prayer!

You have loved and lost. They say you are “so strong”.
But they don’t see your heart weep through endless nights and days so long.
I’m just a simple teddy who can’t hope to cure your pain.
But my fur is here to catch your tears whenever your eyes rain.

With questions and emotions all over the place
And a soul-crushing longing for just one more glimpse of her face
Right now how you wrestle with faith and with fear.
Sometimes God seems unreachably distant, other moments amazingly near!

May my hugs be a reminder of our Father who knows
How painful and daily this grieving thing goes.
He too, watched His precious, beloved Baby go.
And the heartache and anguish, these well He does know!

This dark season of sorrow will slowly soften.
In time you may need to hold me less often.
When Sara’s name gradually brings more smiles than tears,
Content on a shelf, I’ll sit through the years.

And when, by surprise, a hard day blows your way
With arms open wide, I’m just a quick hug away.
So until that wonderful, glorious day when He brings reunion with Sara, face-to-face,
My prayer here and now is to be to you, a tiny reflection of His tender grace!
-------------

If you are interested in a Tender Hugs Bear in honor of a special baby in your life, please email me at infertilitymom@stuffafriend.biz for more information.

I am still having computer problems and am sorry if you have tried to email me and not received a reply over these past several weeks. I should have a new computer by January, so please get in touch with me again then.

National Infertility Awareness Week - Oct. 29 - Nov. 4, 2006

My computer is not a happy camper the last several days, so I'm borrowing Rick's to say hello. (I can only check emails when my computer's in the mood to let me, and going on websites is pretty much out of the question for now.) I have a lot on my heart to share, and am afraid this post might jump topics rather rapidly, but I'm going to take advantage of a working computer and type it all out while I can.

We are soon to enter "National Infertility Awareness Week". Rather than trying to recreate all the infomation for you, feel free to follow this link.

There are a lot of changes happening at my home church. One new step is that Rick and I now have a home fellowship (small group) meeting weekly at our house, one of about 30+ groups meeting church-wide! It looks like the church may soon be set to launch a Celebrate Recovery program, and in conjunction with this, I'm praying about how God may be able to use me to help establish some form of organized local care/support ministry for fertility-related loss issues within our church and community. This has been my heart's desire for many years, yet the timing has never seemed to be in line with God's plan. I'm excited (and a bit nervous) to watch as His plan seems now ready to perhaps begin to unfold in this area. The recent loss of baby Sarah, the daughter of a young couple in our "young adult ministries" group, who was born at 22 weeks and lived just 45 minutes, is a painful reminder of why such a group is so urgently needed.

My health has been problematic over the last several months, especially manifest in painfulness, weakness (loss of grip, etc.), tingling and/or numbness in my hand and feet. My doctor ran a host of tests, but was unable to find anything new, so at this point we are presuming these issues simply to be new manifestations of CFIDS. There is some newer medical research and corncern indicating that CFIDS may actually be a degenerative and/or progressive nereological condition, afterall, so we may just be entering new territory in the ongoing journey of these past 16 years. Please pray for wisdom as I seek a new doctor as mine has just moved out of state.

If you are trying to contact me via email, I am sorry if I have not responded or if I haven't even received your note. Feel free to post a reply here (but please be aware that your note will be publically viewable) and I'll make sure to let you know when my computer is back on its feet again (I'm thinking it may be a while before that happens).

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

In 1988 President Reagan declared October to be "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness" month. Last week, the US Senate, once again, proclaimed October 15th as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day (follow link for more info).

Proclamation 5890—Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
October 25th, 1988

By the President of the United States of America
A Proclamation
Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of the newborn child. National observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, 1988, offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members and work to prevent causes of these problems.
Health care professionals recognize that trends of recent years, such as smaller family size and the postponement of childbearing, adds another dimension of poignance to the grief of parents who have lost infants. More than 700 local, national, and international support groups are supplying programs and strategies designed to help parents cope with their loss. Parents who have suffered their own losses, health care professionals, and specially trained hospital staff members are helping newly bereaved parents deal constructively with loss.
Compassionate Americans are also assisting women who suffer bereavement, guilt, and emotional and physical trauma that accompany post-abortion syndrome. We can and must do a much better job of encouraging adoption as an alternative to abortion; of helping the single parents who wish to raise their babies; and of offering friendship and temporal support to the courageous women and girls who give their children the gifts of life and loving adoptive parents. We can be truly grateful for the devotion and concern provided by all of these citizens, and we should offer them our cooperation and support as well.
The Congress, by Senate Joint Resolution 314, has designated the month of October 1988 as "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month" and authorized and requested the President to issue a proclamation in observance of this month.
Now, Therefore, I, Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim the month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this month with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities.
In Witness Whereof, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-fifth day of October, in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and eighty-eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirteenth.
RONALD REAGAN
[Filed with the Office of the Federal Register, 11:13 a.m., October 26, 1988]




(October is also National Breast Cancer Awareness Month.)

And the Winner is...

Anne is the winner of the Free Book contest . Congratulations, Anne!!!
Anne has been notified by email and has been asked to respond with her mailing address by Oct. 15. If I have not heard back from her by then, I will hold a second chance drawing and name a new winner at that time.

What would my life look like if Hannah's Prayer Ministries didn't exist?

Before I hit my main topic here, let me give a quick reminder that the free book contest (August 16 entry) is only open until the end of this month. Be sure to enter before time runs out!

And now, onto the topic at hand. This week is the 2nd annual pledge drive for Hannah's Prayer. I was asked to write up my testimony of what Hannah's Prayer means to me to be shared with the members of the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums (message boards) and I figured I should post this here as well:

I honestly don't know where I would be today if God hadn't brought HP into my life when He did. What about you???

You see, I tried my local support group chapter of a large national infertility support organization. There was a measure of comfort in finding others who understood the agony of empty arms, and yet these women seemed as lost and hopeless as I was. How could I claw my way out of this dark pit when those I looked to in hopes of being lifted up, only seemed to keep me mired down under the weight of their own anguish? The medical/technical information was often helpful, though it was frustrating to explore treatment options with those who did not share my moral and ethical parameters, nor my conviction that a baby was a person from the moment egg and sperm united. The opening verse of the book of Psalms was clear that such counsel was fruitless for me: "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mocker."

And what of my most burning questions, the ones about God and faith and prayer and sin and how it all fit into my broken heart? These were answered with blank stares and shrugged shoulders. Yes, the medical and the emotional were important to me, but it was the spiritual side of this journey that caused me the most pain. Was there no one to understand? To come alongside? To give answers? To offer hope? The only two Christian women I knew who had dealt with infertility seemed spiritual giants who handled whatever God doled out with grace I could not fathom, leaving me to feel all the more alone in this journey.

I cried out to God over and over, from the depths of my being, yet He remained silent. Human help was not to be found. I was desperate. Suicide seemed more and more attractive. The glimmer of hope that was to have been an adopted son and daughter faded as quickly as it had come, dragging me down deeper into the pit than ever before. And then Mother's Day attacked, threatening the final blow to my shattered soul.

Rick had tried to encourage me through, but I was all-consumed. He must have felt as desperate over the loss of his wife as I was over the loss of our children who might never be. Little did we know how a single book would change my life. It took me many weeks to read my way through that treasure he brought home one day, Debra Bridwell's new book, The Ache for a Child. It hurt too much to read more than a page or two at a time, but here I was finally relating to a Christian woman who shared my convictions as well as the depths of my grief! Through her words, God began to move and mend and restore hope.

When Debbie described the Christian infertility support group she had helped start at her church, I knew this was the kind of support I had been craving with every fiber of my being. God challenged me anew with Hannah's story (a story that I had grown to truly hate over the prior year, by the way), and I knew instantly that God was birthing a new ministry called "Hannah's Prayer." Little did I know what He had in store!

We intended small monthly meetings in our living room and occasional BBQs and bowling trips with other childless families. Our first group meeting was January, 1995. The group itself remained quite small, but word spread and we started a newsletter that summer, printing 25 copies and not having any idea if we could ever use that many! But our mailing list quickly grew into the hundreds and collecting stories, editing, writing, printing and mailing those quarterly publications became my full-time focus. In the midst of all this I stood back in awe thinking, "I keep hearing from ladies how much Hannah's Prayer is helping them, but they will never understand how much HP has been an answer to my own prayers. I'm thankful that no one else has to flounder alone like we did, but HP means more to me that it ever could to anyone else! This group exists purely out of my selfish motives because I so needed the support!"

Rick could see the potential for ongoing growth and started a website against my concerned protests. I was terrified of computers and told him that if he wanted to put us "online"(whatever that was) that he had to take care of that whole part of it. I wanted nothing to do with computers and was especially leery of the Internet! But God stretched me once again and Rick soon had me answering emails and exploring websites and newsgroups (the now antiquated predecessor of message boards). When I typed "infertility"into a search engine for the first time in April, 1996, I pulled up a grand total of 5 websites. [For perspective, I just typed "infertility" into Yahoo (the search engine I believe I used for that initial search) and pulled up 16,200,000 websites, while Google gave 17,100,000 results!]

Thanks to the Internet, we soon had several small support group "chapters" scattered over a handful of US states and even two in South Africa. Each support group was outfitted with a small lending library of quality infertility and loss books and God's grace continued to unfold in heart after grieving but healing heart. I think it took me this long to realize that while HP had been a direct answer to my need, it really was not "just about me" and that God's plans were on a much grander scale. I'm so very thankful that He was never limited by my low horizons!

It was about this time that I received an email from Julie Donahue, telling me of her little email group of 30 married Christian women dealing with various stages and aspects of fertility challenges. (I was still computer illiterate enough that it took me several more months to understand that I could actually join this group myself!) Julie's done a great job in outlining God's work in the combined ministries over the years, so you can read "the rest of the story" in her post. [Within the Community Forums, this statement was linked to a post by "Ladies In Waiting" founder, Julie Donahue, also posted as a testimony on the message boards this week.]

All of this to say, while HP has been an ongoing blessing, what it means to me today has certainly changed and deepened over the years. I've seen how wrong I was in thinking that HP could never mean as much to others as it did to me, for this has long since ceased to be "my baby" but rather an awesome and mature ministry, brought about by the hours and tears and prayers and sacrifices of many! I’ve been privileged to watch from the beginning, in awe, as God's grace has blessed and grown this ministry by leaps and bounds, far beyond anything I could have ever wished or imagined!

What HP is today, He has done by raising up generation after generation of faithful leadership and a strong membership of women who are seeking hard after His heart in the midst of their deep grief. To every woman who has opened up your heart to the Lord and to your sisters here, thank you for sharing in this ongoing work of the Lord. For every prayer prayed for this ministry as a whole, or for the trials an unknown stranger-become-friend whom you have learned to love, or for wisdom and strength and grace for our leadership - thank you! To each and every leader here (past and present) who has given of your love and time sacrificially, often laying your own pain aside to bless others, please remember the scared little girl I once was, on the verge of utter hopelessness, and remember that God is repeating His grace to other broken hearts over and over through your tenderness and compassion. And most of all, to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, thank you that you love each and every one of us enough that through my selfishness, you saw every face, knew every tear, and loved every heart that would be touched by HP the day you first planted this seed of hope in my hungry heart.

One thing that deeply disturbed me about the secular support services I turned to was that there was always a cost involved. We were struggling to make ends meet, to even keep a roof over our heads and food on the table, much less surmount the costs of treatment or adoption, and when I reached out for help, it seemed heartless to face a "We'll help you when you pay us" mentality. (OK, so that's probably not the way it was intended, but that's how it came across to me at the time.) So from the very foundations of HP, there has been a strong leadership commitment to never place financial pressure on our members for any HP service. God's grace is free, and so should access to this aspect of that grace!

With this in mind, let me leave you with this challenge. If you truly are not in a situation where you can help meet financial needs of this ministry, or if God has not called you to give here even if you are financially able, then please pray about what other gift you can offer back to Him instead - perhaps a commitment to daily prayer, or an inquiry to Erin S. about what leadership needs you might be able to offer to help fill, or the willingness to send out a few copies of the fundraising letter Hope has posted [again, linked to another post on the message boards, but the same letter is posted in full below - please feel free to pass it along].

Or if financial giving is a way God is leading you to help, what can you give up to help make this a reality? Is there a new pair of shoes you would be willing to skip buying this fall, or can you give up your trips to Starbucks for a month and send that money to HP instead? (Yes, I understand about withdrawals, but think of the withdrawals you feel here on the days the message boards go down!) I honestly don't know where I would be today if God hadn't brought HP into my life when He did. What about you??? Please take some time this week to prayerfully seek God's plan for you in the big picture of all He has planned for HP. Your gift may seem like a very small thing, but I've learned from experience that God can grow small seeds very BIG when given to Him with a full heart.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. - 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

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How to Donate:
(posted by HP Treasurer, Hope)
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It's time to kickoff our Second Annual Hannah's Prayer Ministries Pledge Drive! This will run until Friday night, September 29th. Last year's pledge drive was our first one and was a great success due to all the support we received. We are excited to see what God has in store for this week as we kickoff this one!

This year we have 2 goals we are working towards. The first is a one-time gifts goal of $5,000. This money will primarily be used for the 2007 Annual Board Meeting and to really kick-off our Vision Fund. The board meeting is one of our largest expenses each year and one where we often fall short.

I would like to spend a little more time explaining the Vision Fund. This is a fund the HP Board of Directors set up in 2005. We set aside some money each year to prepare for ministry growth, future needs, expanding into new territories, etc. Basically, we feel like God has blessed this ministry greatly and never want to feel like HP cannot go where He leads due to financial constraints. I think this fund is exciting as I have seen HP grow in leaps in bounds over the past few years. I am very much looking forward to how God can use this money and this ministry in the future!

The second goal this year is to increase the monthly support by $500 each month. The monthly support allows the ministry to meet its financial obligations with security through a stable income. While God has led people to give to this ministry when we have needed it and we believe in Him to continue to do so, we also believe we have a responsibility in planning and preparing to support this ministry.

Our hope is the you will prayerfully consider how you can give in one or both of these ways. As I have stated before, please remember that gifts are welcome no matter the amount. We also want to say that we know that there is a financial burden that often comes along in dealing with fertility challenges. We never wish to increase that burden! It is through a cumulative effort of those giving what they can and when they can that meets the needs of this ministry. Please do not feel saddened or guilty if you cannot give at this time.

Remember that all donations are tax-deductible!

So, you're probably asking yourself, "How do I pledge?" It's very simple. To make a pledge, simply e-mail me (hope@hannah.org) the following information,

Name
Mailing Address
E-mail Address
Pledge Amount & Type (one time or monthly)

I will in turn e-mail to you a confirmation letter within 24 hours which will let you know the details of where you can submit your donation(through Paypal or mail).

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FUNDRAISING LETTER:
(Feel free to copy and share or repost anywhere!)
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Dear Friend,

I am writing to you on behalf of Hannah’s Prayer Ministries and the thousands of members we minister to daily. Please take a moment and read about our ministry and how you can help support what God is doing.

Did you know that infertility affects about 6.1 million Americans, or 10 percent of the reproductive age population, according to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine? Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive within one year of unprotected intercourse, or the inability to carry a child to live birth.

Since the term "infertility" is limited, as we have grown, we coined the term "fertility challenges" to cover the standard definition of "infertility" in conjunction with the sorrows of stillbirth, early infant death, or those who are able to get pregnant easily, but who have suffered the loss of a child at some point between conception and early infancy.

Being unable to conceive a much-wanted child, or carry a pregnancy to term, can fill a couple with sadness, grief, anger, despair, and even a sense of personal failure. Hannah’s Prayer Ministries provides Christian based support and encouragement to women around the world who are struggling with this pain.
As with any ministry, there is a financial burden. Up until now, God has blessed Hannah’s Prayer Ministries through the gifts of various generous givers and a few occasional fundraisers. With the rapid growth of this ministry, we are reaching the limits of our financial budget. That is why I am writing to you – we need your help. Would you be willing to share the blessings you have received with this incredible ministry?

Please keep in mind that Hannah's Prayer Ministries is a California based, non-profit 501( c )(3) organization. All staff members are unpaid volunteers who are proclaiming Christians (from a range of denominational backgrounds) and have personal experience with the heartache of fertility challenges.

We are asking for donations or a commitment to a monthly gift to support our efforts to help women facing fertility challenges. Would you please make out your check to Hannah’s Prayer Ministries and mail it to P.O. Box 3321 in Borger, Texas 79008? There is also an option on giving through Paypal if you would like. A lot of women who need our help would be grateful if you could send us your tax-deductible donation today.

We are sincerely grateful for your support!

Sincerely,



P.S. We would be happy to send you more information about our ministry. You can find more information at www.hannah.org or e-mail us at fundraising@hannah.org for more information.

Breast Cancer Awareness Bear

In honor of Shelly, I want to share this!

Testimony from a Reader (pregnancy mentioned)

Carla recently shared this story and has graciously allowed me to pass it along to you:

I have hestitated sharing my story with you for fear of causing somebody more pain. But I need to give glory to God, and I long to bring other IFer's some hope and comfort. I want to say to all those out there who are still waiting and longing, I don’t know what God has in mind for you. I believe that we often suffer because we live in a bad, sinful, fallen world, not because God has willed this misfortune on us. And He doesn't always choose to reverse our losses in the way we hope or ask. But I DO know that He cares when we hurt and that He IS involved in our lives. And when He decides to intervene in human affairs, nothing can stop Him. So don’t lose your hope. Keep holding on!

My infertility and miracle-baby story:
“If I could just get rid of this terrible desire to have a baby…It overwhelms me, suffocating my joy and sucking the lifeblood from my heart. The music is gone. My soul is BARREN. Only a few lone cacti dare survive in this harsh desert I call my soul.” – Journal, Dec. 2005

What had naively begun as an expectedly simple process had turned into more than a 6½ year struggle with infertility. Now, after several years of intensive medical treatments, I was physically and emotionally drained. Even God was silent. I didn’t hear or feel anything from Him and sometimes wondered if He had abandoned me. After years of what seemed like endless silence, I started seeing faint tokens of His work in my life. A couple of times I even received direct promises of hope from the Bible, but after repeated disappointments I was hardly brave enough to hope. Were these really from God or the imaginings of my own desperate heart?

One such morning began rather ordinarily, but while reading the book of Daniel, I suddenly realized that God was speaking to ME. Near the end of the 70-year Babylonian captivity, Daniel asks God to restore Jerusalem’s desolations (9:17-9). “Now therefore, O our Lord, hear the pray of thy servant and his supplications, and cause Thy face to shine upon Thy sanctuary that is desolate…” I knew the rest of the story well. When the time was fulfilled, God did deliver His people so they could return to their native land.

Several things from the story grabbed my attention, in such rapid succession and in such a strong manner that I felt carried beyond my own thoughts and ideas. “Sanctuary” and “desolate”…I distinctly recognized a similarity between the destruction of the temple and my own desolation (infertility). Then the 70 years…It occurred to me that the 70 years might have a time-scale significance for our lives (70=7). Could it be possible that we would have our desolations removed after 7 years of infertility (at this point, we’d been trying to have children for nearly 6 years)? It was like God had directly told me something but again I wasn’t sure if it was really Him or not.

Around this time, a friend of mine sent me a copy of the book “Hannah’s Hope”. I literally devoured it, realizing that although I’d been in tremendous pain for years, I’d not really known how to grieve my loss.

As I began to work through the issues, the fountains of long-retrained grief broke open. The tears began to bring healing. Not that the longing became less intense, but a calmness, peace and surrender began to take the place of desperation. I experienced some of the sweetest fellowship with my Lord that I had ever had before. I began to see how GOOD He really is, regardless of what I got or didn’t get in this life. For the first time in my life, I was able to praise Him in spite of my loss. Of course, the pain didn't just magically go away.

Up to this point, we had already unsuccessfully undergone 4 fresh IVF/ICSI cycles. However, our next IVF/ICSI cycle appeared to be a big success. The signs were all positive, but the following 2 blood tests showed that although there had been a short pregnancy, it was no longer viable. We were crushed--it hurt beyond words After all these years of trying, this loss was nearly unbearable. To compound everything, my body was thrown into total confusion, with several complications (including 2 large cysts).

The intervening time of waiting seemed unbearably long. We had one last IVF cycle awaiting us, but month after month rolled by and still my body wouldn’t cooperate. Finally it became apparent that we were going to have to wait until after the summer vacation to begin again. Then, after weeks of complications, my body just seemed to shut down. Nothing was happening. Out of desperation, I finally determined to go in for a blood test and ultrasound to see what was going on.

I had no clue that today would be a big way-mark in my life. Ultrasound pictures showed that the cysts were completely gone. My bloodwork indicated I was on day 1 of my cycle, and miraculously I also began my period that very day. The nurse said everything was perfect to start our last (#6) IVF cycle if we wanted. I was in total shock--my world had just turned around by 180 degrees in a matter of hours!!

But I was also a little bewildered. While I was excited to begin our last try, we already had reservations to fly home to see my parents during the summer vacation. I was torn. In bed that night, I wrestled with God and my own heart. Should we do the treatment now or later? As I prayed and asked for some clear guidance, I heard an almost audible little voice saying “Behold I have set before thee an open door and no man can shut it.” (Revelation 3:8). This verse had popped into my head so suddenly, I couldn’t help but realize that God had spoken to me, urging us forward.

We cancelled our tickets and began doing intensive hormonal injections. Two weeks later I went in for the egg pick-up (4 eggs in total). In all the other treatment cycles, we’d never had more than 1 egg fertilize per stimulation cycle. But as I was lying in bed the night after the procedure, I asked God for 2 embryos as a tangible sign of His love and care. Even if I didn’t get pregnant, at least I would know He’d heard and answered our prayers. I prayed and prayed. All of a sudden, I felt I didn’t need to pray anymore. My prayers had truly been heard because three days later, two beautiful embryos were transferred to my uterus.

Then we prayed like we’d never prayed before! During this time, I had no symptoms like before and was gradually losing hope. The morning before the blood test at the clinic, I did my own pregnancy test at home because I wanted to be mentally prepared. I didn’t feel I could handle another “no” from the nurse over the phone. It was a BFN! We felt numb, sad, disillusioned. Our last try for our own child—and that was it. There was not going to be a child.

Despite our extreme disappointment, we went in for the blood test as a matter of routine. Several hours later my husband called in for the results, expecting the official “no” to come over the line. I noticed a strange look come over his face and he was nearly shouting with excitement, “What? HCG is 230? Are you sure???...”

Then I knew it! We were on! We wanted to laugh, to cry, to shout it out to the whole world! Wow!!! God had done it, and just when we had lost all hope!

It began to dawn on me that God had indeed literally fulfilled His promise about restoring our desolations. In fact, when the baby is born, it will have been exactly 7 years since we started trying to conceive, just as God promised. God had directly intervened in changing the timing of my body so we could do the last treatment cycle at that precise time. It was so marked, so unmistakable. I give Him all the glory!

National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week

I had intended to post this at least a week ago, but as I'm still in the window of dates from Sept. 11-17, 2006, I would rather get something posted, "better late than never"! A ministry that hits very close to home for me, Rest Ministries has been the driving force behind the establisment of National Invisible Chronic Illness Awarness Week (NICIAW). According to the ministy's NICIAW press release, "96% of Illness is Invisible – Many Look Good but Feel Terrible". This description often fits me all too well.

The document goes on to say:

Nearly 1 in 2 Americans has a chronic condition, and 96% of them live with an illness that is invisible. These people do no use a cane or any assistive device and may look perfectly healthy. Sixty percent are between the ages of 18 and 64. September 11-17, 2006 is National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week. The theme is "My Illness Is Invisible But My Hope Shines Through!” It is a major public awareness campaign sponsored by HopeKeepers Magazine, a consumer magazine that offers spiritual encouragement for those who live with chronic illness or pain.
Paul J. Donoghue and Mary Siegel, co-sponsors of the week and authors of "Sick and Tired of Feeling Sick and Tired: Living With Invisible Chronic Illness" say, "Invisible chronic illnesses (ICI) have symptoms that are difficult to see and impossible to measure such as pain and fatigue. So those with ICI frequently encounter not compassion and support but impatience and skepticism from physicians and loved ones."
“Living with an illness that is invisible to those around us can often have a more devastating affect on our emotional health than the physical pain,” explains Lisa Copen, 37, editor of HopeKeepers Magazine who lives with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. “Each day we must choose to have hope, despite how medications and alternative treatments may help or hinder us.”
Copen is the author of a book, "Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend." “Part of our campaign is to encourage people to ‘care enough to be informed,” says Copen. “Just because someone isn’t using a wheelchair doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have a disability. Friends and family of those with chronic illness care a great deal about what their loved ones are going through, but oftentimes the invisibility of the illness sets up an environment for misunderstandings and even doubt about the validity of the illness. We hope to increase awareness of how many people ‘look great’ but are hurting deeply.”
Outreach includes various events: the distribution of free literature such as a 5.5 x 8.5 card with multiple ways to encourage a chronically ill friend. Other resources include "You Look So Good: A Guide to Understanding and Encouraging People With Chronic, Debilitating Illness and Pain."
Fifteen online seminars will be held during the week featuring chronic illness coaches, authors, nutritionists and other professionals. Promotional items like t-shirts, bumper stickers and bracelets are available.
For a complete list of events and resources visit http://www.invisibleillness.com or call 888-751-7378.
“The feeling of knowing that one’s illness and pain is acknowledged can have a great impact on how a person copes with living with illness,” says Copen. “We hope that by recognizing people with illness rarely feel as good as they look, they will begin to feel better understood, leading them to a more invigorating life!”

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INTERESTING FACT: HopeKeepers Magazine is published by the sponsor of Rest Ministries. It’s the only Christian consumer magazine specifically written for people in chronic pain. www.hopekeepersmagazine.com
BOOK INFO: Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend; Author: Lisa Copen; dimensions:
4.25 x 7 in.; 94 pages; Rest Ministries Publishers 2005; ISBN 0-9716600-6-9.
*(Chronic Care in America: A 21st Century Challenge, a study of the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation.).

I really wish I had gotten this information posted sooner as I know it is already too late to participate in most of the great chats and some of the speciality support this week. But if you are looking for encouragement for your hidden health struggles, I give Rest Ministries my highest recommendation!

11 years?

For a few weeks I had been feeling really "down" and not coping well with daily life. Rick even asked me if I was angry at him for something and I didn't have any idea I had been coming across so snappy with those I love.

When Rick went out of town for a couple days late last week, I used a long night-time house-clean session to have a long talk with the Lord (cleaning my heart along with our home). I realized that a big part of the picture is that I've been neglectful with making consistent time with Him a daily priority. I always get myself in trouble that way.

I also must admit that I've been physically really hurting, everything from the top of my head to the bottoms of my feet, and almost everything in between, with many "hot spots" of more intense pain. When I'm hurting so much, it is hard to live gracefully. This is not an excuse, but rather should have been a warning sign to me to heighten my vigilance in seeking daily strength at the Pieced Feet that long to carry me in Strength when I can no longer "do it" on my own.

I do not discount either of those "factors" as to their profound impact in my ability to relate well to those around me. But I realized this week that Noel's 11th birthday would have been about now. I had thought of her quite a bit in the earlier part of the summer, but recently hadn't been "dwelling" on what time of year it was. To realize again what dates were upon us, suddenly made much of what I've been feeling "make sense".

The more years I'm distanced from my losses, the more it catches me by surprise that I'm still so profoundly impacted by due dates, anniversaries and dates of significance such as this. Now that I'm aware, God and I are working on making Him Lord of my heart, my life, and this ongoing grief journey once again. Happy 11th Birthday, my beautiful would-be-adolescent!

Yes, you knew I would have to include teddy bears in this blog eventually!

Anyone who knows me in real life probably knows of my love for teddy bears. So it was only a matter of time before the furry creatures managed to somehow creap their way into my blogs...

Here's my latest adventure (some parenting/kid talk, but also intended to be infertility and loss sensitive).

Free eBook copy of "Rain Dance"!

Read it all so you don't miss a thing.
Free ebook offer and free paper book contest offer below!

What happens when a Christian woman facing a childless future and a woman seeking an abortion are waiting to see the same doctor?

What if, after that “chance” encounter, they are unable to forget each other?

What if, in spite of their drastic differences, they find themselves drawn together by their surprising similarities?

What if they somehow find the courage to become friends?

Joy DeKok, a friend who knows infertility's grief intimately, will take you into the hearts of these two women as they journey closer to the heart of the One who offers hope and healing. Don't let the topic of abortion scare you away from reading this book. I found the infertile character mirrored my feelings so closely I sometimes wondered if Joy had lifted her directly from the pages of my private journals! And I left with a new heart of compassion for women who find themselves in unplanned pregnancy.

This story is worth the read! And best of all, right now Joy is offering her novel in electronic format free of charge! To request your free copy, visit Joy's website and look for the pink "From Me to You" box about 2/3 of the way down the page. Or contact Joy directly at raindance@joydekok.com with "Rain Dance e-Book Request" in your subject line. A paper copy of the book can also be ordered from Joy's site (along with many online bookstores) for $15.

And if you "post a comment" in reply to this message between now and September 30, 2006, I will enter your email address in a random drawing for a free book. Winner will be notified by email and posted in this blog in early October and will have a choice between a copy of Joy's Rain Dance or a copy of Hannah's Hope. Please note that you must post from a valid Blogger account and/or include a contact email address in your reply if you wish to be entered in the contest as I will have no way to notify "Anonymous" posters of winning!

WBCL Interview Link

Thank you Mid-Morning Live! Lynne Ford, what a delightful morning with you. Thank you for allowing me to share with your listeners today.

Missed the interview? Listen here.

Aug. 1 Radio Interview (WBCL, Fort Wayne IN)

Just a quick post to say hi and share a few little rambling thoughts.

I have another birthday on Monday - wow the years fly by faster and faster with each one! Then on Tuesday morning I have a live radio interview (via telephone) that airs at 9:05 am EST on WBCL Radio out of Fort Wayne, Indiana . Because I'm west coast, this means I have to interview at 6am (and I'm not a morning person), so please pray that I can be awake enough for clear thinking and answering and that God will use my words to His glory to meet hurting hearts.

I heard from Shelly that this round of chemo was much easier than the previous two. Praise God! Only one more round and then her radiation (she's currently undecided about doing the radiation step, so please pray for wisdom on this issue).

Shelly's Update

I've been sharing Shelly's story and asking for your prayers. For those who want to follow along with me, here is a direct link to Shelly's blog.

A Recap of My Trip and Looking Forward to New Projects

Life's been a whirlwind since my trip in April. What a great joy to be able to share with the ladies at First Baptist Church of Everett and also to work with the wonderful folks at the Marriage Uncensored television program up in Canada.

There are several specific ladies and infertile couples who have remained on my heart and in my prayers since coming home. In Everett, several women with the hidden heartache of chronic health challenges trusted me with their pain. During this eight day trip, I was humbled to share time with 7 moms of precious stillborn babies, 4 of them survivors of at least 2 stillbirths each! (While I "know" dozens of stillbirth moms over the internet, this was the most concentrated face-to-face contact with so many moms of stillborn babies I have ever experienced in such a short amount of time.) Only 3 months after Jeremiah's very scary birth, it was a very emotional experience. I cannot pretend to understand the mind and ways of God. Why was I shown such grace? Why have these ladies known such sorrow?

The trip up to Canada was such a joy. My sister-in-law, Diana, and I realized that in the many years we have been part of one another's lives, we have never just gone away for any extended "girl's time" together, so this 2-day road trip was a special treasure. There was some tension about crossing the boarder because I had left a necessary piece of paperwork back in Nevada, but Rick was able to have a notarized letter faxed to us in Washington and the Family Life Today crew up in Canada prayed us across the boarder without a glitch - praise the Lord! The Peace Arch at the US/Canada boarder was surrounded by a breath-takingly beautiful garden. We didn't have time to stop on this trip, but just driving past was enough to make me want to visit again some day and explore.

I don't even know where to begin in describing the experience with the Marriage Uncensored group. They were so wonderful to work with! My friend Christie arranged such a nice little get-together at the hotel coffee shop before the filming and it was a joy to get to know one of my "imaginary friends" (that's what her husband calls her internet buddies) in person. It was a joy to also meet another HP lady, Lisa, and get introduced to the Canadian delicacy of "fried green beans"! (Long story, but in a nutshell, this is an inside joke from the ladies who attended the pre-taping get together.) And I would be remiss if I failed to mention my introduction to Nanamio Bars - yummy!

I had been quite nervous about recording the program itself, but the hosts had done their homework on the topic of infertility well, had already recorded short interviews with 3 other infertile couples and an RE, and they themselves were so funny off camera and "real" that it was easy to just relax and let God lead the conversation. Beth, thank you again for your beautiful work on my makeup and for sharing your own heart with me as we prepared for the show. FLT of Canada, praising God for all of you!

My Saturday in Everret was equally lovely. It was Tulip Festival in that part of Washington the week I was up there, and the luncheon followed this beautiful spring theme, with tulips on each table and georgous tulip photograph greeting cards gracing each plate. The women's ministry team had worked hard to make it a refreshing day, carefully preparing delicious food, choosing wonderful worship music, and taking care to make me and all the guests feel welcome. A special thanks to my friend, Jane, who first extended the invitation for me to come to this delightful day. I would also like to thank the ladies of FBC for their generosity in their love offering to more than cover my expenses of the trip.

Changing gears now, I would like to ask your prayers for my friend Shelly. We met through the support group I led in Roseville, CA in the mid 90s, going through primary infertility, surgeries, treatments and miscarriages together. Now living in Florida, Shelly is in a battle for her life against breast cancer. She has lost both breast and her hair, but continues to keep her fighting spirit and faith in the Lord. She will be undergoing her second round of chemo tomorrow. Please pray for her and her family this week as the first round made her extrodinarily ill.



--- Motherhood After Infertility Addressed Below ---

And as for my future plans, I'm getting the writing bug again! Infertility changes us for life, and deeply impacts our views of children and parenthood. I so isolated myself from children during our infertility as a form of self-protection, that when we finally did become parents, I found myself floundering in what to do now. This seems to be a common issue for those who go on to either adoption or biological parenthood after infertility. I believe there is a great need for a resource for those who enter motherhood after infertility and/or loss.

I want to have a good portion of the book already written before ever taking it to a publisher, rather than starting with a simple proposal then being up against the stress of a deadline to do the bulk of my writing this time around, so, unless God has different plans, my guess is that we are still probably at least 5 years from seeing this book on store shelves. But I am taking my first huge step by getting brave and saying here, "I am going to try to do this!" If anyone has specific stories or ideas you would like to share with me, please feel free to email me. As I get to the more serious stages, I plan to put together some sort of questionnaire and would welcome the input of anyone who wants to fill that out for me. I ask your prayers for wisdom for me to be obedient to the Lord's calling, in the Lord's timing for this project.

Family Life Today (Canada) infertility televison interview

The interview recorded with Marriage Uncensored last month is now viewable online! I pray it will be an encouragement to many. Follow this link to watch Empty Arms: Facing the Heartbreak of Infertility

Was it you who prayed? (Mother's Day Comfort)

As in past years, my heart has been greatly burdened this week for all for whom this Mother's Day will be painful. I think of so many friends and loved ones (both single and married) who are longing for motherhood, Mommies grieving the deaths of your precious children, those in strained/hurting/broken relationships with their moms and/or children, and my precious friends who are grieving the losses of their own mothers. My heart is burdened to pray not only for each of them individually, but also for the countless, nameless, faceless masses of women who are grieving and dreading this weekend.

A wonderful new realization occurred to me today. If God is burdening my heart like this, as I'm sure He is burdening many others to pray as well, then it is very probable that back at that horrid Mother's Day of 1994 when I was so overwhelmed with grief and depression, He was burdening someone (maybe many "someones") to pray for me as well! I may have been on her heart specifically, or I may have been part of her burden for "all infertile women hurting this Mother's Day," but the reality is that God honored those prayers! As alone and discouraged as I felt, God's hand was there. In my own strength I could only have given into despair, but in God's grace He redeemed by pain for His glory.

Where would I be today had it not been for those prayers that someone lifted before the Throne of Grace? Was it you who prayed for me? If so, there are not words of adequate thanks!

Are you the one in need of prayer this year? If so, please be encouraged - God has not forgotten you and you are on the hearts and in the prayers of countless women who have already walked this path ahead of you, along with many who yet join you in the ongoing grief and use their own pain as a catalyst to pray.

For Mother's Day this year I have asked my husband for flowers and asked my pastor to allow me to place these at the front of our church and run a small notice in the bulletin simply stating, "The flowers at the podium are placed in prayerful and loving honor of all mothers and mothers-at-heart, with special recognition of those for whom this holiday may be painful: those who have lost mothers or children, women longing for motherhood, and mothers and children in broken relationships." While we may not be sitting together this Sunday, these flowers are in your honor as well!

Back home from Washington and Canada

I've been back from the northwest for just over 2 weeks already. I am so sorry that I have yet to answer many emails since my return. I sprained my neck on the trip (makes sitting/typing pretty uncomfortable) and my father-in-law was hospitalized for a week soon after my return home. I'm trying to get caught up and hope to post more details about the trip soon. It was a wonderful experience. Thank you for all the prayer support!

Want to help people hear about Hannah's Hope?

If you would like to use the image at the right as a link to direct friends to this website, please feel free to save it to your computer and link it to www.HannahsHopeBook.com from your website. :)

Resources for Difficult Times

Here's a broad-range resource list I have compiled to hand out at my talk next weekend in Washington. Though not exclusive to fertility-related issues (in fact, some relate to unplanned pregnancy or parenting), I am posting in hopes of bringing a bit of hope to someone who might need it:

- Devotional Journals for Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Infant Death, and Grieving the Loss of a Loved One - www.HopeLifters.com/resources.shtml

- Grieving the Loss of a Family Member or Friend - GriefShare.org/

- Death of a Child (any age) - www.CompassionateFriends.org/

- Infertility or Pregnancy Loss Support - www.Hannah.org

- Infant Death – www.mend.org

- Continuing Pregnancy After Learning Your Baby Will Die - www.erichad.com/wwl/

- Poor or Difficult Prenatal Diagnosis - BeNotAfraid.net

- High Risk Pregnancy – www.sidelines.org

- Postpartum Mood Disorders and Post Adoption Depression - OutOfTheValley.org

- Adoption – www.ShaohannahsHope.org

- Unplanned Pregnancy - www.care-net.org/

- Abortion – www.HopeAfterAbortion.com/

- Depression - cdp.gospelcom.net

- Suicide - www.road2healing.com/suicidal.html

- Widowhood – www.foycwidows-widowers.com/

- Living Single – ChristianSinglesToday.com

- Divorce – – www.DivorceCare.org

- Divorce, Domestic Violence or Abuse – www.FocusMinistries1.org/

- Pornography, Sexual Promiscuity, Homosexuality www.NationalCoalition.org/

- Abuse and Addictions, Life Stresses, Relationships, Transitions – TroubledWith.org

- Drug/Alcohol Abuse, Addictions, Depression, Eating Disorders and Unplanned Pregnancy – MercyMinistries.org

- Family Life Issues - www.FLToday.org/

- Chronic Pain or Illness - www.RestMinistries.org

- Cancer – www.AmyGivler.com or www.cancerclub.com

- Homeschooling Special Needs Children - nathhan.com/

Marriage Uncensored E-Zine Interview

Here is my interview published in the April MU Ezine, giving you a taste for what the television show might be like. I just heard from host Dave Currie, National Director of FamilyLife Canada and host of Marriage Uncensored, that my show will be one of 8 episodes to pilot in the US market through PBS. Watch for details! :)

let's meet up in Washington or Canada

Deadlines age getting close to register for the "Experiencing Hope in Difficult Times" luncheon on April 22 or to be part of the studio audience for a taping of Marriage Uncensored in Surrey, B.C. on the 19. Here are the details in review:

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EVENT: Marriage Uncensored television interview about infertility (studio audience needed)
DATE: April 19
TIME: 7:30 - 9:00 pm
PLACE: Surrey, B.C. - find directions at http://www.marriageuncensored.com/audience_directions.php
COST: free tickets required - register at http://www.marriageuncensored.com/audience_reservations.php
CONTACT: christie@familylifecanada.com

Join Jenni and some of the ladies from Hannah's Prayer Ministries for a casual reception coffee time before from 3-5. Email Christie if interested.

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EVENT: Experiencing Hope in Difficult Times luncheon (women only)
DATE: April 22
TIME: 10:30am - 2:30pm
PLACE: First Baptist Church, 1616 Pacific Avenue, Everett
COST: $10 (registration deadline April 14)
CONTACT: 425 259-9166

To the outside observer, it may seem that Jennifer Saake has the "perfect" life - loving husband, three beautiful children, nice house, great friends... But a casual glance doesnt tell you the surprising story behind Jennis journey to todays blessings. Through 15 years of chronic pain and illness, a decade of infertility, the loss of ten children (miscarriages and adoptions), financial devastation, depression, bankrupt friendships and a deep spiritual crisis, she knows firsthand what it means to struggle! Registration includes lunch and childcare if requested. Sponsor: Womens ministries of First Baptist

Jenni will also be going out to a early dinner with a few friends after the luncheon. If you would like to join us (husbands and children welcome as well), please contact me by April 14 and plan to bring cash to cover your meal as Flying Pigs will not split the bill for groups.

A New Way to Keep in Touch

Amazon.com is now offering "Amazon Connect" to authors as a way of staying in touch with readers. If you have purchased a copy of my book through Amazon, you will be able to see more comments and thoughts from me on the Hannah's Hope page at Amazon.

Marriage Chapter reprinted at Crosswalk.com

The majority of one of the "marriage chapters" of Hannah's Hope was reprinted in today's (Jan. 12) issue of "Crosswalk Marriage". It is kind of weird for me to read one chapter as a stand-alone article without the full context of the book to surround it, but I am praying that these words will bring healing and encouragement to God's intended audience. The link to view this article is http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/1371247.html.

Reflections on pregnancy after miscarriage and infertility

I first posted this to the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums on Dec. 27, 2005. There are living children and a current pregnancy mentioned, along with references to the thirteen years that have brought us to this point and our babies in Heaven:

Eleven years ago this morning, I woke up cramping and bleeding. It was one of the roughest periods of my life, both emotionally and physically. The negative pregnancy test the night before should have prepared me, but I was still devastated. I had been seeing my doctor for testing and was anticipating an ultrasound of a breast lump as soon as we got back home from visiting my parents for Christmas, so it had been an emotional month anyway. But it had seemed "different" in a hopeful way and I just couldn't quite let myself believe there had been no baby for yet another month - just over two years now since we had started out on this baby quest.

By the time of my doctor's appointment the following week, the large lump was completely gone and the breast ultrasound totally clear. The next 8 1/2 months my body refused to cycle. In the midst of all this, I shared with my doctor my suspicion that I had indeed been pregnant in December and she confirmed that she too suspected an early miscarriage. Late in coming and no solid medical "evidence" (proof of a positive hcg, etc.) but finally conformation that I was not crazy and "permission" to grieve the baby my heart had known all along, yet my mind had logically denied as "only a late period" for the past five months. As if on cue, knowing when I should have gone into labor, my period returned with a vengeance two weeks before my would-have-been due date.

It's been 11 years. The first few anniversaries were devastating with weeks of worry and anticipation building up to the dreaded due dates. Then came Joshua, our injectables/IUI miracle, born the very week but 5 years after his big sister, Noel Alexis, made her journey to Heaven. What a gift!

A year later we were just starting to "feel infertile" again as secondary infertility became a reality, only to find out mid-January that we had experienced the miracle of natural conception on New Year's Day... When Joel quickly followed Noel to Heaven, the reality that "this may not be so easy" was once again upon us with renewed grief. Hannah kissed my womb only a few months later, but she too was gone almost as quickly as she had come, leaving only a positive hpt and bittersweet tears as her legacy.

By the next Christmas, Noel's 7th in Heaven, we had gone 7 more months without conception, our miracle baby boy was turning two and we were preparing for the laparascopy I would have in January for endometriosis that had agressively returned. Rick was feeling our family complete, or maybe God was leading us toward adoption, and I was grieving that only 1 of our 4 precious babies was here to share this life with us.

As only God could do, the next Christmas found me a month from the delivery of our precious baby girl, Ruth! The laparscopy had turned into a 3 1/2 hour event and I had woken up to the news that we had less than 5% chance of ever conceiving again even with medical aid, and that even if we could conceive, my ability to carry was highly questionable. Though I spent the entire third trimester on bedrest, God carried our little girl to full term healthy birth against those odds.

Over the past two Christmases, I've sought contentment in the family we have been given, learning to trust God with my husband's decision that I had been through all the grief he wanted to watch me undergo and that our efforts to grow our family were done. Then God surprised us this past June to learn that He wasn't done growing our family, so this Christmas I sit 7 months pregnant, once again fighting ongoing contractions, bedrest and an irritable uterus, and finding myself surging with tearful hormones. I thought I was OK with where we had been, that this year infertility and grief were truly behind me. That Noel, and Joel and Hannah, while always a part of my heart, no longer demanded ongoing grief work or specific recognition of their landmarks. I didn't dread the coming of the 26th and 27th (negative pregnancy test and onset of bleeding) because I could thankfully focus on the Baby in the manger with joy this year and rejoicing in our own three living miracles...

So why did I wake up yesterday snappy at Joshua and picking a fight with Rick right off the bat? Why was the packing away of Christmas decorations such an emotional endeavor? Why did I spend the day wiping secret tears from my eyes in the solitude of the bathroom? Why did I have an explosion at my son in angry frustration as we were putting him to bed last night? Why did thoughts assault me all day that even though our other losses have been so early and we in pretty safe territory even if I had to deliver Jeremiah today, that there are still never any guarantees? "This can't be grief. I have too much to be thankful for. It's been too long."

Well after darkness fell and too many angry words had been spoken to my loved ones over insignificant events, I finally I admitted to Rick that I was missing Noel and very scared for Jeremiah. I broke down and sobbed and the cleansing tears melted away the accumulated stress of the day.

I didn't expect him to understand. I guess I anticipated he too would think it had been "too long" for me to need to revisit active grief. But he pulled me close and held me and asked, "So is that what's been going on today?! Why didn't you tell me???" I cried for me and Noel and Joel and Hannah. I cried out my fears for Jeremiah and the frustration of bedrest and contractions and all the unknowns of when true labor will hit, how it will happen and what outcome will unfold. I cried for Julie D. and her Christmas Eve Katie who went to Heaven 5 years ago. I cried for Traci G. and her Noel who just joined two big sisters in Heaven this Christmas, and for Jenny whose Joshua (one of three siblings to journey to Heaven this year) should have been due at the same time I am, and for Lois as she learns to accept her husband's plan above her own will, and for Rae as she seeks the joy of new life in the shadow of death, and for so many others who have known so much grief this year...

Not quite sure how I'm feeling today. Definitely better than yesterday. Grief shared is indeed grief divided and I was overwhelmed with the loving acceptance of Rick and my parents when I admitted to them (and myself) why I had been having such a rough day. The release of anxiety and hormones in that flood of tears certainly helped! I don't feel like I am living imprisoned to fear this pregnancy as I did with Joshua, but I still know that I have no promises beyond this moment. Pregnancy after loss can be such a bumpy ride!

Meet me in Canada (Surrey, B.C.) on April 19, 2006

I am blessed to have been invited to record an interview with the Marriage Uncensored television program produced by Family Life of Canada. They are seeking people to fill a live studio audience in Surrey, B.C. (not too far from the border for those of you in Washington State) on April 19 from 6:30-8:30ish.

A Hannah's Prayer member who works at Family Life will be organizing a casual reception on the same day, probably around 1:00-3:00pm at a nearby location. Because I will have our newborn son with me, we aren't able to make this a child-free event, but I pray that many will still consider coming as I would love to meet you! If you interested in attending either the television recording or the reception, please e-mail Christie at christie@familylifecanada.com and she will keep you posted on the details.

If you live anywhere in B.C. or the U.S. Pacific Northwest, please be sure to read the following blog entry as well!

Speaking in Washington state in April, 2006

I will be speaking at a women's luncheon at First Baptist Church in Everett, Washington on Saturday, April 22. This event will be open to women in the community, Hannah's Prayer members and Hannah's Hope readers. The church website will have registration information available at a future date.

The topics will not be restricted to infertility, but I will be speaking on issues such as seeking God in waiting seasons and coping with prayers that seem to go unanswered. So that you are not unprepared, if all goes as planned, I will be bringing our 2-month-old son with me to this event (too far to travel without him) but my sister-in-law will be available to help care for him during while I'm speaking.

I will probably be in Washington state for about a week total (less the couple of days mid-visit to go up to Canada as you see in the above blog entry) and will be staying with my brother's family in Auburn. If anyone is interested in getting together while I'm there, please let me know. I'm not sure what I will have as far as transportation goes, but I would love to meet you if you are in the area. The best options for my schedule would to be meeting you either in Canada on the 19th or at the Everett lunch on the 22nd, but if you can't make either of these dates, please get in touch with me and see if we can figure out other options.

Why?

Here's another beautiful reflection from the heart of one of the ladies from Hannah's Prayer. Kara (age 26) and Derric (28) have been trying to conceive since August, 2000. He had a bilateral varicocele 3/03, she had a laparoscopy 5/04 finding stage 4 endometriosis, the two IUIs they did the summer of 2004 were unsucessful, and the IVF cycle they did in January 2005 yielded 2 babies born to Heaven: Isaiah Anthony-Shay and Moriah Faith(God is my teacher to trust, carried 14 weeks 5 days). An August IVF again brought about a positive pregnancy test, but Koen Job (brave afflicted one) was born to Heaven September 26, 2005 at 8 weeks. Fur babies (kittens) Sierra and Cindari are a daily comfort in a dark time.

Psalms 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit."


So for over five years I have been asking God WHY?
Why can't I have a baby?
Why can the drug addicted teenager have one?
Why can some women have 8 and I can't even have just one?
Why can't you be a little more fair in the gifts of children?
Why did you allow me to get preg when you took my babies away?
Why did you take my children who I love?
Why? Why? Why?
I have cried out to God so many times and just asked this question. Sometimes it is all I can say. I cannot fathom what the answer could be.
A few days ago I realized that I will never know until I get to heaven and ask God himself so asking over and over again is not going to get me to far. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Well meaning people say that it is all in God's plan and that there is a reason. Hmmmm. I don't think anyone could come up with a good reason for my children dying. No other child will replace my children in heaven.
We cannot control our circumstances. All I can do is make the best with what I have been given. God wants to see how I will respond to my circumstances but it doesn't mean He is happy I am in them. This fallen world will never be fair, I guess that is why it isn't heaven.
So I am going to start and ask myself and God different questions.
What?
What can I do here to be productive for my heavenly Father?
Who?
Who can I reach while I am here and help others who are hurting?
Where?
Where do you want us today?
When?
When do you want us to pursure more treatment or adoption?

Thanks for letting me share my new questions that are more possible to be answered here on earth. I am trying to rest in the fact that I will know why, just not this side of heaven.

(c) Copyright Kara Ungaro, 2005

Infertility and pregnancy/infant loss awareness dates

The entire month of October is designated as "Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month" next week (October 23-29, 2005) will be National Infertility Awareness Week.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

Today is a special day to remember our beloved babies who await us in Heaven. More information http://www.october15th.com/

How Hannah Ministered to a Single "Woman In Waiting" (for a Husband)

I was engaged at 18 and married two weeks after my 20th birthday. I can relate to years of crying out to God in longing for a husband about as well as a woman who gets pregnant her first month trying to conceive and carries to term without a glitch can say "I know just how you feel!" to an infertile woman. Yet, though I do not know this experientially, I've always felt that the infertility journey must have many parallels to being single and longing for marriage. I can't say, "I understand," but my heart still is tender toward those longing not only for motherhood but for the closeness and fellowship of life partnership as well.

With this having been said, it is a blessing to me to begin hearing from single woman who have been blessed, challenged or encouraged by Hannah's story. I would like to share an excerpt of one such letter that shows how the active and living Word of God can have far-reaching effects. Shauna Bowman has been gracious enough to let me print her story:

Jennifer,
I probably should warn you this is a fan letter of sorts, for both you and Hannah. I just finished Hannah's Hope and I am so blessed, encouraged, impressed and inspired.

First of all, I think you are now my latest and greatest hero. I am so impressed with your work on your book and how many thousands of lives you have touched through your ministries. God truly knows how blessed I've been to find Hannah's Prayer. Having been unable to get a hold of anyone [at my local pregnancy loss support organization for Arizona], I don't know what I would do floundering on my own without HP.

There were so many things in the book that I found myself identifying with that I never expected. First off, I guess I should tell you where I'm coming from. I have an almost 2 year old boy and I just had a pretty nasty miscarriage -- you've responded to my posts, but I don't expect you to remember everybody here! I've never considered myself infertile, but I've always been a big fan of Hannah's.

In fact, when I was pregnant with my son, I was on bedrest for 2 months. Like you mentioned you did in the book, I started to journal through the Bible page by page for every mention of pregnancy. I got a lot of really encouraging material and last year I decided I should try to make a book out of it, maybe a devotional for pregnant women or something of the sort. I started writing quite a bit, but then when I got to Hannah last winter I just hit a block and have been stumped ever since. I think God had me hold off for several reasons, but losing my own baby has completely opened my eyes to a world of hurting women I never really acknowledged existed before.

I had identified with Hannah myself before though, but from a different angle. I was nearly 27 when I got married, not because I was too busy working on a career or I couldn't make a commitment, but because, in my estimation at the time, nobody wanted me. I now realize how awesome it is that God saved me for my precious husband (I can't imagine a better guy!), but those years of waiting and wondering if marriage and motherhood were not what God had in His plans for me were agonizing.

All I ever wanted was to be a mom, really, and here I was being denied the desire of my heart because I had no man to even make that a possibility. I suppose to most, 27 isn't really that old-- and in retrospect I'm so grateful for the life I had prior to getting married-- but I had been waiting so long, I'd pretty much given up hope. I'd even jokingly said, as a teenager, if I wasn't married (or at least had some serious prospects) by the time I was 25 I was going to hang myself. Well my 25th birthday came and went with no "prospects" and I was devastated. For some reason, that was the point of no return for me.

A few months later, my little sister (3 years younger) newly married came to me in a state of panic over her positive pregnancy test-- she was especially upset that she wouldn't be able to ride the "good rides" at Disneyland because she was now pregnant. I was even more devastated. I couldn't understand why everyone I knew and loved was being given this great blessing of marriage and family when I was being denied. So I got down on my knees and took Hannah's example and wept for a child (following a husband, of course). I had peace for a short time after that point and then a month and a half later Robert asked me out.

Anyway, I'm just mentioning all that to say I was amazed at how much in your book rang true to me in that stage of my life. I remember detesting Mother's Day every year of my twenties until I got married. Especially in my little churches, I'd often be lumped in with teenage girls because I was single while women younger than me got to sit at the "big girl" tables simply because they were married. (I even got demoted to the kid's table the first Thanksgiving after my sister got married so that there would be room for her husband.) Of course, there was always the default Bible study for people that didn't qualify for the married or mothers studies, but even that stung. I remember crying over my period-- I know it's no where near the pain of trying and being unable to conceive-- but it was just another reminder that I was alone.

Having said all that, now I'm 30. And just when I thought I could have learned all I could from Hannah, I had to give a child back to the Lord. It's been so hard, so much more than I could ever have imagined. So many things in your book that people say and that I feel coincide.

I'm so very grateful that you have written this book. I will be recommending the crud out of it. It's just amazing how God can really trade beauty for ashes... Thank you for being so willing to share.
God bless you!
Shauna


(c) Copyright Shauna Bowman, 2005

My baby would be 10-years-old

This past weekend was the 10-year anniversary of Noel's due date. Given my track record for early labor, she probably would have actually been born in August, but every "Labor Day" weekend I can't help but stop and reflect on the knowledge that I was due to have been "in labor" this weekend in 1995.

In fact, had we had gotten pregnant as quickly as we would have liked, I could have been a mother of a 12-year-old by now! Two neighborhood kids just celebrated their 10th birthdays this summer. The 12-year-old a street over is named Alexis (Noel's middle name). Ongoing reminders... These are the mind-boggling and continual losses of infertility. I am ever-so-thankful for the joy of mothering the precious children God has so graciously granted me here on earth, but as I raise preschoolers, my heart sometimes wanders to the "what ifs" and "could have beens" and I still grieve for what/who is not.

The crushing grief is not what it was 10 years ago when the anguish of loss was so fresh and our arms so very empty. The pain is not as sharp as it was even 6 1/2 years ago when we were still struggling through primary infertility. Or 4 years ago when we finally had a living child in our home but grieved the back-to-back losses of Joel and Hannah and the ongoing reality of secondary infertility. But even today, as a carry this new preious life within my womb, I must stop and recognize that grief has left a lifetime imprint on my heart.

Happy 10th birthday, our precious Noel Alexis. Mommy still misses you, Little One. I am so very thankful for the hope of Heaven.

Here is an article I recently wrote in reflection of another friend's loss:

Seeing Face to Face

My baby died. I find myself clinging to the only comfort I can find in this sickening sea of grief - knowing that my child is safe, beyond the grasp of human frailty and pain. When I think of Heaven it is with new eagerness, with a longing to see my child’s face and hold him in my arms. I read that my focus in Heaven will be on worshiping the Lamb, but today my mother’s heart is too broken to even imagine this reality, for my longing is for my own “little lamb” for whom I eagerly await our reunion in Eternity. Today it feels like the “eternity” that separates us will never end, but I must trust that this earthly life is truly a vapor and that in the grand scheme of time, I will be with my precious child again very soon.

Had he lived to be 100-years-old here on this earth, I never could have fully conveyed to him my heart. But in the blink-of-an-eye that we did have together, how could he even begin to grasp my depth of love for him? Did he feel comfort and security in my womb? Did the sound of my voice ever ease his fears?

Does he know that he was wanted, yearned for, prayed for, eagerly anticipated? Does he know that I would have willingly traded my life in a heartbeat to spare his? From the glory of Heaven, does he retain even one memory of the brief blip that was his time on earth? Does he too await our reunion with anticipation?

While my head knows that my baby is probably so busy worshiping before the Throne to really “miss” me at all, I can’t help but put my human limitations on him when I dream of his life. My baby and I both have limited horizons, such narrow ability to grasp the other’s present reality. I am a prisoner to human emotion, bound by time, space and earthly perspective. He is impaired by an inability to grasp life outside the borderless, timeless, painless beauty of living in the presence of the Son. If faith is being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see, I must cling to that faith as my mind tries to grasp this awesome, unseen, unknown, unfathomable World that my baby now calls Home.

I want to imagine my child running to me with outstretched arms the moment I cross into Glory. I want to daydream that he is longing to see my face with even a fraction of the anticipation I feel when I think of seeing his. I want to delight at the thought of following my own precious “tour-guide” around those golden streets as we both revel in simply being together. And maybe these beautiful visions aren’t too far from reality, for Scripture does promise that we will know one another and fellowship There. But I wonder how much we will focus on the earthly bonds we once shared when we are in the presence of the King together, as co-heirs with Christ? I see it all as a poor reflection through cloudy glass right now. How I long to know what it will truly be like to know my child, even as I am fully known.

How does God perceive my Homecoming? Just as I crave to think of my baby in eagerness awaiting me at those Gates of Pearl, does the Lord long for my heightened anticipation of my first face-to-face meeting with my Father? Just as my baby “knew love” in the fullest manner a tiny infant possibly could, how far short of grasping the reality of His love for me does my heart fall? Perhaps my limited expectations of Heaven offer a better perspective on the realities of Eternity than I have stopped to realize before. For everything I am hoping and feeling and longing for in missing my baby, perhaps these reflect the feelings my Father has toward me.

Lord, help me to fully entrust my child to you, both in the present and in my hopes and dreams for our future together. You are the Author of life, of love, of family. You understand this mother’s heart and my longing to know my child and be fully known by him. Help me to more fully grasp your Father’s heart toward me as we await Reunion Day.

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
- 1 Corinthians 13:12