Finding Answers

The woman at the well sought happiness in the arms of men.
Jesus provides peace that could be found in none other than Himself.

I sought joy in the new life of a baby.
Jesus offers New Life in Himself.

I wanted to know the feeling of carrying another soul inside my body.
He provides the Holy Spirit to indwell me...

Won't you please join me today over at Held to read the rest?

Wonderful Counselor

I never knew what depression felt like before this. Sure, I'd been “down,” had bad days, knew PMS could be brutal. But this deep black hole that left me unable to climb out of bed, uncaring that I hadn't attended to personal hygiene in three days, this slimy pit of numbness and despair, this was all new.

I sobbed my puffy eyes dry and my voice horse. My heart was stone-cold, robotic. If there had been enough ability to engage emotion, it should have been terrifying, but this all-encompassing grief was beyond even fear.

Where was God? It felt like I had been praying to brass heavens for a lifetime now. It had only been a year and a half since He fell silent in my life, but that could easily have been a lifetime; the lifetime of the baby I expected to be carrying by now.

Everyone who knew me knew I was upset over “the baby thing.” While I'd made others miserable around me for months, even those closest to me could see only the surface. I had been able to hide the ugliest so far.

I tried to fill the emptiness with a precious kitten who had been separated from his mother much-too-soon. It didn't even cross my mind to think myself irrational when I privately tried to devise a way to nourish this helpless creature from my own breasts that ached to fill a hungry child.

If those had been my most unsettling compulsions, maybe I wouldn't have been in such bad shape. But over recent months I'd daydreamed about driving my car into oncoming traffic, unmindful of the lives I would unwittingly involve in my destruction, uncaring for the emotional wreckage my suicide would leave in its wake.

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.
- Psalm 73:21-22 (NIV)

They called that day “Mother's Day.” I called it “Humiliate-the-Infertile-Lady-by-Making-Her-Stay-in-Her-Seat-When-Nearly-Every-Other-Female-in-the-Congregation-Stands-for-Honor Day.” It was the day I became no longer able to hide.

My dear husband had tried to soften the blow after church, taking me out to a fancy lunch then to the mall for a shopping spree we really couldn't afford. It was Wednesday now and I hadn't been out of bed, showered, brushed my teeth or hair, had hardly eaten since.

I needed serious medical care, psychological intervention. My husband and I were very young, far from family support, struggling in church and friendships, too vulnerable to understand just how critical and precarious my mental state had become.

My friend, if you find yourself reflected in anything I have described, PLEASE know there is hope! This is not a reflection of spiritual lack or failure on your part. God does not call you to do this alone. (Here are some resources!)

I should have been hospitalized. We didn't even understand that was an option. When I was without answers, God Himself stepped in as my Wonderful Counselor. Please join me today at HELD where I share how God worked in my heart that Mother's Day week of 1994. I don't share my story as a model for the proper way to deal with such crisis, but instead because the way God chose to work was so unique and I want to give Him all the glory for preforming a true miracle in my life.

I'm still in your presence, but you've taken my hand. You wisely and tenderly lead me, and then you bless me.
- Psalm 73:24 (The Message)

© Jennifer Saake, 2011

Pregnancy After Loss

I became pregnant with our oldest son after nearly seven years of infertility. Having already lost eight children to miscarriage or adoption losses, I knew all too well that pregnancy doesn't always mean a bring-home baby. I found myself in a moment-by-moment battle with fear. To combat these overwhelming emotions...

To read more, please visit my post, God’s Transcendent Peace, over at Glory and Strength. It will only be live for the month of April. (If you are sensitive to the mention of children, please note that our second living son is briefly mentioned in the opening of this article.)

A Cup of Tea

Sometimes it's nice just to have a little encouragement. A cup of tea can't change grief, but if I could sit down with you and talk over that steaming mug, I would. Since I can't, here's the next best thing I can think of.

Head to the Teasta tea website and choose 2 different .3 oz samples of tea ($3.15 or less, each) and add them to your cart. Then head to check out and enter coupon code TRYME to receive both packages of tea for free, including free shipping.

I am in no way affiliated with this tea website and don't know how long their offer will last. When I submitted my request, it took three tries for the order to go through because their server was so busy, but I'm a tea lover, so I figured it was worth a few minutes to give it a try.

When I placed my order, I thought of you and how I would love to listen to your story over a cup of tea, share a hug, wipe some tears and pray with you tonight. Since I can't do those things in person, I'm posting this little "pick-me-up" as I'm praying for you. Please do take the time to share your story with me in the comments here, even if I've heard it before, so we can sip our tea together. {{{hug}}}

Translation to Czech

Yesterday, I learned from NavPress that Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss is being translated into Czech for distribution in the Czech and Slovak Republics!!! God never ceases to amaze me!

We are anticipating a journey of somewhere between 18-24 months before the translation in complete and the Czech version is available for purchase. Please pray with me that God will allow the translation to go smoothly and to His glory. I am also praying for the hearts of the women in the Czech and Slovak Republics, that God will meet needs through these pages, the He will bring healing to broken hearts.

Baby Cry, Battle Cry

I just read an incredible devotional by Joni (paralyzed from the neck down in a diving accident as a teen in the 60s - as a result, she has never had children). She was reminiscing about her first Christmas after her accident and how she felt so abused by God that He would take everything from her like that. And she went on to talk about how He began changing her heart over that year and what her second Christmas was like. You can read the whole thing at http://www.joniandfriends.org/blog/monday-dec-20th-update-joni/ but that statement that stood out me was:

Last Sunday our pastor said, "When the angels appeared over Bethlehem, theirs wasn't a lullaby, it was a battle cry." He's right. The birth of Christ may have ended the enmity between God and man with the announcement, "Peace on earth and goodwill toward men," but our adversary, the devil, only sneered at the peace-offering in the manger that night. It only heightened his war against God and His people -- Herod's slaughter of innocent babies in Bethlehem only proved it. And 2000 years later, the war is still raging. So friend, join me on the front lines. Nothing God ever asks of you is 'unreasonable.' It's why I pray that this Christmas week, no matter what your affliction, you'll find peace, once again, in celebrating all that the Father has graciously given us in His Son, our Savior. What a glorious and generous gift!

Once again a reminder that the coming of the Child brought with it such anguish, "Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted..." and that we are in a battle, not against flesh and blood. Praying peace for your hurting heart, that the wonder of His Sacrifice will shine through the sorrow.

Grieving Christmas

One of the hardest parts of Christmas for me for years went beyond the "I want my baby" thing of watching adorable little ones dress for Christmas pageants, thinking of all we were "missing" on Christmas morning under the tree and so forth. For me the hardest part was that the very point of the holiday was focused around the expectation of birth, an infant Jesus, a pregnant and delivering Mary (and here she was a virgin and God gave her a baby when I couldn't even get pregnant with the help of doctors in the midst of a loving marriage)! :dry:

Gradually God helped me change my focus. I asked the Lord to help you be able to look past a pregnant Mary or a Baby in a manger, to remember the reason for this season is because our Father willingly became a grieving Dad to pay the price of my eternal adoption! ♥

My heart hurts for all the pain surrounding this season. How can I specifically be praying for, supporting, uplifting and encouraging you through the next few weeks? Have you found any "coping strategies" that make getting through the holidays more bearable?

Stepping Stones has recently shared a beautiful poem and encouraging letter about Christmas and Infertility at http://www.bethany.org/pdfs/SteppingStonesExtra_December2010.pdf - I pray this link will be a blessing to you today.

Father's Day Prayer

Thanking God that He is the Healer of broken dreams, the Redeemer of pain, the Man of Sorrows who is acquainted with grief, the God who sees, the Father who loves us so fiercely that He willingly enter into the world of bereavement when He paid the price of my adoption with the life of His only biological child...

May the God of All Comfort enfold you tangibly with His overwhelming love this Father's Day.

Fears of Infertility

After so many years of "IF" (infertility), my heart will never be far from the journey nor from those still walking this heartache. Recently a member of the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums posted her thoughts and fears in the early steps of realizing she was no longer just trying to conceive, but now living the realities of infertility. I will not comment further, but rather let her post speak for itself...

Since introducing myself and lurking around here a while, I've finally come to the point that I can identify what I'm feeling, and right now it's fear. I KNOW that we are to be anxious about nothing, but all of this seems so new and terrible to me that I don't really know how not to be afraid of it without ignoring what I'm fearful of, and I know that's not the answer either. I'm hoping some of you wise women will have some wisdom to share, although to be honest I'm hoping I'll magically end up with a BFP ["Big Fat Positive" pregnancy test] this month and not have to worry about it anymore. But here goes.

I'm afraid I'll be "sick." - I've always been healthy and I'm afraid of finding out that I'm really afflicted with something and spend the rest of my life seeing doctors, trying different meds, and having surgeries. I'm a nurse- I've seen this life, I've never wanted it. I'm afraid that this not-conceiving thing is just a symptom of whatever is medically wrong with me.

I'm afraid of losing my ability to love children. - All my life all I've done is work with kids. In church, at my job, in social gatherings. I gravitate towards them naturally. I'm afraid of not being able to enjoy them any more, and of losing that part of my identity, the one that's "good with kids."

I'm afraid of financial strain. - I know that we'd like to adopt, but I'd also like to start that process as soon as possible instead of using all of our resources on fertility treatments first and then having nothing left over to adopt with. This isn't really high on my list of fears, but I find myself researching adoption options already when we haven't even been to see the doctor yet. DH won't even discuss a "what if" until we've tried for "a while longer" (how long is 'a while' again?)

I'm afraid of depression. - Self-explanatory. Both my parents struggled with depression, and the pain is so overwhelming sometimes that I wonder if I'm not slipping towards it too. I really don't think so right now, but can I take years of this?

I'm afraid of being outcast. - Having to explain my status to every new person I meet. Right now it's not too hard, we've "only" been married for 2 years, after all, and I look several years younger than I am. But this can't last much longer. I'm a pretty private person (read: pronounced introvert), and I hate being known by my 'status.' It can be hard enough for me to make friends sometimes anyway. I don't want a stigma over my head too.

I'm afraid of no babies. - Obviously! But really, I always wanted 6 kids at least. Can I really handle none?

I'm afraid of a spiritual reason for IF. - Sometimes, I know God doesn't allow "good things" because of something else we'll deal with in our lives. What if I can't have kids because I'm going to die of cancer next year and God didn't want to leave my husband alone and with an orphan? I know that's far fetched, but maybe you'll understand. If I can't have kids because of something coming that would be terrible for children, I don't know if I want to go through that either.

*sigh.* That might be it. We have an appointment with my gyn soon. Hopefully we can get most of my blood work paid for by using the "irregular cycles" and "painful menstruation" card since IF labs aren't covered. Anybody know how much a SA runs?

But, to be positive too:

I'm grateful for my DH [Dear Husband] - He is kind, understanding, and (almost) totally on the same page as I am. He holds me when I'm sad and tells me we're just going to take it 1 step at a time. And he's not scared of "putting sperm in a cup" as he calls it!

I'm grateful that I've been through pain in the past - Because I have some idea how to handle rough emotions. Not the same, but helpful nonetheless

I'm grateful that we had 1 year of of marriage footloose and fancy-free before baby-making started to hang over our heads. I'd hate to have started my marriage with months of disappointment.

I'm grateful, of course, for God's grace - And try to remember to pray for the sons he wants to bring into His kingdom when I feel the pain of not having any in my life yet. I'm grateful His heart for the world hurts just as much (more, actually) than mine at the thought of the children He wants for himself. Our God knows the spirit of ALL our infirmities, and I am so grateful to know that.

Thanks ladies, for listening, and for any strength you might be able to add to my journey. It helps a lot to know that I am not alone in this battle, and to be reminded that my worth isn't based on the outcome of a child.

Kristina, thank you for your courage to put into words what so many of us have to process in our hearts and for graciously letting me share these fears with my readers.

Registration deadline is April 10, 2009!

The Hannah's Prayer Retreat registration deadline is the end of this week. If you are looking for a wonderful weekend of support and encouragement, you won't want to miss this May 1-3 event in Cincinnati, Ohio! Head to http://www.Hannah.org and register now. :)

Faith Amidst Unanswered Prayers

On the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums I am posting monthly devotionals based on various chapters of Hannah's Hope. Here's the 11th in this series.

The following is copyrighted material and has been adapted from "Prayer, Faith and Compassion" chapter eleven of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, & Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, NavPress, 2005. Please do not duplicate without permission. You may read a portion of this book here.
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As she kept on praying to the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. - 1 Samuel 1:12 (NIV)


I was born with a defect of my uterus causing conception difficulties as well as contributing to recurrent miscarriage. When I was being knit together in my own mother's womb, did God drop a stitch? How could I consider my broken reproductive organs to be wonderfully made? Jesus' interaction with a man born blind is enlightening:


His disciples aske him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayedd in his life." (John 9:2-3)


While it was a struggle to come to grips with God's hand in my sufering, there was also great freedom in realizing that my faith wasn't invalidated when prayers seemed to go unanswered. Of the many names listed in the Hebrews "Hall of Faith," Scripture states, "These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect" (Hebrews 11:39-40).

The apostle Paul pleaded repeatedly with the Lord to remove his "thorn in the flesh." Rather than relief from pain, God's answer was, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). Jesus asked of His Father that He not be called to face the cross "if it is possible" (Matthew 26:39). Was it impossible for God to prevent the crucifixion? No! He is God and can do whatever He pleases. Was it imperative that God allow it for my sake, even when it was possible for Him to prevent it? Yes!

So Jesus, through pervect prayer with holy motives, through a direct audience with the Father, asked for God to do the possible, yet even Christ did not receive what He asked. His burden was not removed. His painful trial and execution were yet to be endured. If all is possible with God, yet He chose to say no even to the request of His beloved Son, can I not rest assured that trials that seem unbearable in my life fit much better in His perfect plan than anything I can imagine from my limited viewpoint?

We are twice told that God closed Hannah's womb. While we can look with clarity of hindsight and see that He was preparing Hannah's heart so that her cherished son would be raised in a temple and bring a nation back to Himself, Hannah knew none of this then. In the same way, when I was in the middle of my deepest infertility heartache, I could not see how God was refining me and preparing my heart to better serve Him - both as a mother and through ministry. I did not know that my seemingly unanswered prayers were, in fact, being answered in a way I couldn't seen then. Had I known, perhaps it would have been easier to keep my faith strong. But then it wouldn't have really been "faith" - would it?

...One day, as I wrestled with God, He comforted me with the realization that struggling through disappointment with Him is not a sign of doubt, but rather proof of my faith. Hebrews affirms that God-honoring faith is as simple as coming to Him believing simply that He exists (see Hebrews 11:1, 6). If I believe He exists, it is reasonable that I might come to Him with preconceived notions of how He will answer. It is easy to trust when God's ways mesh perfectly with my plans. But it is only when reality collides with my preconceptions that my faith is tried and proved...


Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. - Lamentations 3:22 (NIV)

Prayer for Times I Struggle with Forgiving Others

Dear Lord, I thank you for the immesurable grace you have given to us, to those who might as well have been in the crowd, jearing and demanding your crusifixion. That you could pursure us with the passion of a loving Husband, seek to nuture and protect us from harm with the heart of a perfect Daddy, and embrase us in fellowship as our Brother, even when we are your enemies, is beyond comprehension. When we struggle with unforgiveness, help us to remember all you have forGIVEN in us! And may we humbly lead by example as we receive your grace and pass forgiveness on to others through your strength.